The summer is here and
although I hear a cacophony of seasonal pessimists chirping at my
door, I just do not care. So, to those that sing in the shower, make
a noise when they see a puppy and have ever tried to rescue a
butterfly from the almost certain death a conservatory poses, I say,
“You bring the Will Smith CDs and I'll fish out the Hawaiian
Tropic.” But before we all rush to cut-off denim shorts and paisley
patterned bandannas, it might be a good idea to read this, because
when the time comes to reenact the volleyball scene from Top Gun, you
don't want to be left behind... .
Bloating
Having the abs of, or
even being, Gay Jesus (Above Centre) can not protect you from the aesthetic destruction
bloating will wreak on your trip to the beach/a South London
common/a pool/a North London common/an obscure gentlemen’s club. So,
here are a few things to bear in mind when keeping things flat:
- Say 'No' to Dairy (and drugs....but mostly dairy) – The majority of you are probably, at the least, a touch lactose intolerant. But don't despair, you haven't let down the team/evolution as we're not really meant to being enjoying any form of milk after those initial few stages of development. Consuming any form of lactose, therefore, may result in gas, bloating, diarrhoea or constipation. If you really can't resist milk, go Goat as the fat is more easily digested due to their smaller molecular size (less likely to aggregate).
- Sugar-free Chewing Gum – they contain sugar alcohols (sugars that have been bound with an alcohol), therefore your body only digests part of the sugar. This partial digestion can cause bloating, gas and even diarrhoea. In fact, stay clear of all gum as even the normal stuff will make you swallow air. Get a tooth pick instead, then marry a second cousin and go shoot something.
- Fruit – too much of it will overload your system with soluble fibre, which can lead to bloating. So, although that ridiculously good fruit smoothie, laden with rum, makes you want to dance around like a backing singer for Bananarama, on Valium, resist the urge to sip further. No one likes a bloated backing singer....no one.
- Drinking and Eating - Sticking to plain water during meals is a rule I don't expect anyone to stick to, unless you are in a prison. Just try to avoid fizzy drinks as they will cause excess air in your digestive system.
- Keep an Eye on Carbs – There are carbohydrates out there that cannot be broken down in the small intestine and thus pass into the large intestine where they are acted on by gas-producing bacteria. Beans, onions and asparagus are the main culprits.
- Straws – Are you between the ages of 3 and 8 years old? Have you lost both your arms? Were you recently in a car accident? If you haven't said yes to any of the above, you do not need to drink out of a straw. You will take take up excess air with every sip. You look ridiculous.
Things you should
be doing:
- Paying Attention to Manners – eat slowly, don't eat too much, don't take a sip whilst you are still chewing (unless you are in fact a Viking and planning on invading Newcastle...which you can keep, by the way) and sit up straight at the table. These cornerstones of table-manners will help ensure healthy digestion.
- Exercising Regularly – not only can it dispel excess air from your intestinal tract, it will also increase the speed of one's digestion. One does love a speedy digestion.
- Mastication – chew your food. I am aware that this has already been implied but it's important: digestion starts in the mouth. They say you ought to chew until it becomes the consistency of baby food. However, don't be too enthusiastic about this point...the grazing cow is not a good look.
- Rehydrate – If you've been out (out) the previous night, thrown back a few too many Appletinis and then gravitated towards any form food, your stomach is likely to be swollen (from the alcohol and the salt). Do as the celebrities do and find your fine white/black ass some coconut water (not heavily sweetened – 'Vita Coco' does the trick) and the potassium in the water will help balance your sodium levels and fight water retention. Now put on some large dark sunglasses, grab your Vita Coco and wander down a high street. God you're cool.
