"Sorry, you MANAGE A HEALTH CLUB???"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
So, rather than bathe further in the L.E.D lighting of self-glorification, it'd be in everyone's interest to bring up my initial thoughts on running a gym. Let's, for the moment, look at the top five GLARING mistakes people make in the gym:
1. Nobody warms up - bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I will reiterate that point for the champagne gym goers out there: bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I know. I know. Let it sink in. Give it a while.
2. Le Crunch - it's not the 80s anymore, crunches are a waste of time. Why? Because you work half of one of your 29 core muscles, you compress you hip flexors, which effects your posture and gait, your stomach will go out not in as a result and you'll burn almost no calories in the act of doing so. So, stick to compound and rotational exercises: the Russian twist or the Dead Bug is a good place to start. "But, I don't know what the Dead Bug.....
"Look it up, you prick."
3. Time is of the Essence -
Me: "Good workout?"
Layman: "Yea mate, was solid. Smashed out a good two hour blast, like a bad babysitter with my boyfriend in the shower making two bucks an hour. And what?!"
By working out for longer than 60 mins, you've successfully triggered the production of cortisol (a stress hormone that breaks down muscle and makes your body store energy as fat), essentially doing the equivalent of writing in invisible ink, driving on ice, swimming in a current or building a bungalow in Somerset. Keep it under an hour, including warm up and warm down, to avoid over-doing it.
3. Ministry of Sound - their radio station (Ministry of Sound Radio, incidentally) is really, probably, more than likely to be the best choice of gym music. Start creating playlists and shit gets subjective - 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling' is a great song, I mean a GREAT song, but gets mixed result at 7pm on a Friday evening (mainly stragglers wringing out t-shirts soaked in tears and self pity).
4. Put it Away - if you can't successfully complete 30 pushups, executed with perfect form, then please stay away from the weights. Look at gymnasts and dancers. Do you look like that? Exactly. Start using your bodyweight more.
5. Male Attire - below are the only acceptable times when men may wear Lycra:
In the Winter Olympics
At a festival
In the Tour de France
If you're in the music industry
On ice
In a velodrome
If you name is Cathy Freeman
In the actual Olympics
In a club, between the hours 2-9am
In a circus
