I don't wish to linger, lecture or rant, just ever-so-quickly say a few words on the press up. Some people call it a push up, in fact, sometimes, so do I - I don't really care, to be honest. The press up is timeless, never looses value or significance - the tailormade suit of the fitness world - we've been using it to win drink, dates and debates for centuries. I bring it up, why? Because people invariably do it badly - "Bad form!" (Hook, 1991).
Signs you too fall, unceremoniously into the pile of people flapping around helplessly on a gym floor, feigning emulation of this most celestial of movements:
1. The Exhibitionist - your bum is in the air, willing those around you to take a 'cheeky' glance. "Seriously, just one look. Please, please look at me." The reason you do this is, in addition to a desire to be recognised/loved that is deeply rooted in the lack of attention you experienced during your adolescence, is because your core is either weak or you are unwilling to give it the chance to show otherwise - as my headmaster said, after walking in on our dazzling dormitory performance of 'Cats', "straighten up!" Fuck you. I want to sing...I want (*he pirouettes*) to dance! Also, why are you in our dormitory, sir? Oh.
2. Groin Grazing - quite in contrast to the exhibitionist, you prefer to swing low; the 'housewife breast stroke' technique of the press up world. Men be warned: exhibiting the groin grazer in a bar-based bet, is NOT a good image. You quite literally look like you are trying to stimulate yourself, using the floor; you come across (*giggle giggle*) not only as man incapable of performing a press up, but also as a young dog that hasn't been neutered, which has recently discovered a rug, in a bar, "God, what a great rug. There must be a vagina located in this rug! Somewhere! Where are you strange rug vagina?!"
Signs you too fall, unceremoniously into the pile of people flapping around helplessly on a gym floor, feigning emulation of this most celestial of movements:
1. The Exhibitionist - your bum is in the air, willing those around you to take a 'cheeky' glance. "Seriously, just one look. Please, please look at me." The reason you do this is, in addition to a desire to be recognised/loved that is deeply rooted in the lack of attention you experienced during your adolescence, is because your core is either weak or you are unwilling to give it the chance to show otherwise - as my headmaster said, after walking in on our dazzling dormitory performance of 'Cats', "straighten up!" Fuck you. I want to sing...I want (*he pirouettes*) to dance! Also, why are you in our dormitory, sir? Oh.
2. Groin Grazing - quite in contrast to the exhibitionist, you prefer to swing low; the 'housewife breast stroke' technique of the press up world. Men be warned: exhibiting the groin grazer in a bar-based bet, is NOT a good image. You quite literally look like you are trying to stimulate yourself, using the floor; you come across (*giggle giggle*) not only as man incapable of performing a press up, but also as a young dog that hasn't been neutered, which has recently discovered a rug, in a bar, "God, what a great rug. There must be a vagina located in this rug! Somewhere! Where are you strange rug vagina?!"
3. Loose - your neck and upper back is loose and slack, lacking scapular control - try to focus on squeezing your shoulder blades together (holding a pencil between them) - don't free-fall - control the movement - think about pulling yourself to the ground. You are a strong, confident woman/man and very much the captain of your destiny! Or something like that.
4. Saggy Back - your lower back sags. Pull your belly button in and contract your glutes - you should see your body instantly straighten up. The strain is now on your core, not your lumbar spine...phew.
So, we see what appears to be very similar problems - they will look different but are, nonetheless, equally detrimental. Now, there are many variations but with all of them, these rules apply:
1. Pull your stomach in.
2. Squeeze your glutes.
3. Straighten your tailbone - imagine it being pulled towards your feet - this help with excessive curvature at the lumbar spine.
4. Keep your legs straight - your body should resemble a plank.
The following is how I do them:
1. Hands are positioned in line with my sternum - tucked in not flared out dramatically.
2. Scapula is squeezed together.
3. At the bottom of the movement my lower and upper arms FORM A 90 DEGREES ANGLE - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!
Below is almost perfect, save that she's put her spine out of neutral by staring intently at an approaching squirrel.
This one is very close but she ought to pull her tailbone towards her feet and pull her stomach in more to stop that slight dip at her lumbar spine.
Right, go forth and get practising.
