I stared death in the face as I began to slide off this mortal coil. I saw a light, Jesus was waiting at the end. He was black, with a nose piercing. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Lenny Kravatz. In and out of consciousness I slipped. The Night Nurse had taken hold. She was a cruel mistress. I saw shapes in the darkness. Shapes that metaphorthasised into the illustrations of my subconscious. Unicorns without horns. Probably just horses. Dragons without wings. Probably just fat lizards. Men with the eyes of children but the tears of a generation, pillaging villages made of marshmallows. But here I sit, well 'n' rosy, tapping away at my typewriter, a survivor of...MAN FLU.
What is Man Flu?
According to Google: noun
informalhumorous
- a cold or similar minor ailment as experienced by a man who is regarded as exaggerating the severity of the symptoms.
- "Greg was off sick with man flu, according to his wife"
- Well, Google, you can take your deluded idea of self-importance and blow it into a Google sized handkerchief*, because the influenza virus is in fact SCIENTIFICALLY proven, by real life scientists (not the shady authority that is Greg's wife) to hit men harder than their ethereal female counterparts. This is due, predominantly, to the higher levels of testosterone present in males, which can weaken their immune responses. What to Do When You Have Man Flu (and begin to unconsciously rhyme):1. Echinacea and Vitamin C - only effective when taken before even the first symptoms rear their ugly heads. There is little point in taking the above once Man Flu has taken grip(e). So, in short, you have to be fucking psychic to make this one work.2. Pills and Syrups - paracetamol, gauifenesin, phenylephrine hydrochloride, pholcodeine, codeine...you name it, take it. Take the lot. Now, be warned, there will be instructions on the boxes of these beautiful beasts saying that you should take a "measured amount". Well, that is the establishment once again dictating your life. You are a testosterone filled (which partly got you into this sticky mess in the first place) individual. You can think, dream, laugh, empathise, cry and experience the richness of life without being told to mind the gap between the train and the platform. So, from experience, it's best to double the dosage of whatever they say. Quite frankly, if a 13 year old child is being told to take the same amount as you, then something is deeply wrong with the system. Also, mix your medicines. Do not stick to one bottle, pill, lozenge. Variety is the spice of life.
3. Hot Toddy - whisky, lemon and honey (manuka, preferably). To be taken at ANY time in the day. Do not restrict to just the evening - "before you go to bed".4. Water - it'll taste like utter shit, but drink it anyway. Your body consists of 99.9% water...or something like that.5. Menthols - if you must smoke, smoke menthols. Now you know what it's like to be a 16 year old girl again.So, there we go, avoid young children, airplanes, trains - anything with 'public' before it. If you have to work with children, don't touch them. If you must take public transport, be as Asians be and mask-the-fuck-up. Now, go forth and enjoy your Christmas holidays free of sickness.
*'Handkerchief' is a ridiculous word to spell. If you don't feel silly whilst trying to write it (no one can spell it right first time, obviously) you are dead inside and have bigger, more existential, problems than bad grammar or man flu symptoms.
