Why Can't You Train?!

No one seems to have the time to train. 

"I just can't see myself fitting in a session this week, Freddie", they'll tell me, like they're some sort of new age, middle-class martyr. 

"Oh, God. I completely understand. Absolutely no problem at all. Maybe see you next week?" I reply, in my most assuasive of tones .

"Sure thing. I just need to check my diary and shuffle a few things around. Never stops, eh?" She or he then laughs. It's always followed by a self-affirming chuckle. 

It might seem like I'm being cast away, denied the second date. 'No, I'll call you'. Unfortunately not and now I have to deal with someone who has convinced themselves that they're as busy as the leader of the free world. 

"Are you really, really telling me you don't have one hour in your whole week in which you could exercise? Please. Just set aside your growing concerns about Russia and stop trying to work out where the actual fuck The Isle of Man is and walk, run, jump, lift...even do some Zumba. Actually, don't do Zumba. Don't ever do Zumba. We all have an obligation to move, not even your Twitter account should get in the way of that." They nod merrily like one of those dogs from Churchill insurance. They've stopped listening.

I hate returning to myself. I guess it's the 'go-to' for the emotionally stunted, unable to empathise convincingly. 

"Gosh, that's awful! And so young! I don't know what to say... ." 

"That's very sweet of you Fre... ."

"...except that when I lost Chanel, as in Coco, my goldfish, it took hours to get over her. Grief is unquantifiable like that." I wisely reel off. They didn't really know what they wanted to say anyway.  

So, I'm still running one hundred kilometres and as you can imagine, it requires plenty of what we (soon to be 'we') ultra-marathon runners call 'time on foot' or 'time on feet', which one escapes me. Regardless, if you're running for twelve hours, you need to get use to being on your feet. The training is not about distance covered or speed raced.

Now, let's not get bogged down in the minutiae of training techniques because all I'm really trying to drill home is that, whether you split your training up into digestible chunks or close your eyes and swallow it whole, like a good boy should, I don't really care. I'm not your fucking mother and shouldn't have to sit you down and micromanage your calendar.

I will finish with this though: if Tony Blair could take time out from bombing countries with weapons of mass seduction, to have a jog around Chequers while Cherie tied squirrels up by their ankles just because she "didn't trust the unpredictable movement of their tails", so can you.

Train. Find the time... .

'The Messiah Complex'

 
    Albert Einstein said that "you can't blame gravity for falling in love". You can, however, blame it for running badly. Let me expand on this: running is essentially just controlled falling. The sole reason for not crashing magnificently into the dirt is the jumping action you perform that propels you upwards and onwards. Now, if you weigh more than you should, the jumping bit gets harder, if you weigh less, it gets easier and if you weigh too little (relatively), it also becomes more difficult.

 With these thoughts rattling around in my head, it's conspicuously apparent I'm carrying 'a little post holiday, holiday weight'. In the months of January and February I have been nothing if not Bacchanal but not in the good, glitter-ending-up-in-every-orifice-kind-of-way. I'm carrying 'a little post holiday, holiday weight'. So, taking on board this obvious cosmic message, I'm shifting the weight. Here's how...

'The Tale of the Cuban Peasant'

On the whole, I eat meat as frequently as if I were a Cuban. The average working salary, daily, is $30. The cost beef/lb is around $3. That's 10% of my daily income. If you had to spend 10% of your daily income, how often would you buy beef? Not very often. So, I tend to live off vegetables, eggs, pulses and rice and bean combos so that I nail all the right amino acids. They're also light in the stomach, easily digested and taste like Fidel Castro...in a nice way.

An example:

Mix kidney beans, wholegrain rice, coriander (or basil or parsley), halved baby tomatoes, broccoli (I microwave it), cubed beetroot (you can buy it already cooked), olive oil and a shit load of lemon juice (I avoid onions for obvious social reasons). To jazz the dish up, add toasted pine nuts, some feta cheese and maybe some toasted cumin seeds. Pomegranate seeds are always a good shout as well but you do run the risk of communicating only in vowel sounds and using words like 'yummy'. Having said that, as Deliciously Ella once wrote, "Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet inside."  But, as I say, "Be an electric toothbrush in a Catholic girls school".

I should add, briefly, that eating meat on a daily basis is as good for our planet as driving around in tank that's only fuel is baby orangutans and rhino horn.

2. 'The Messiah Complex'

In an increasingly secular world, we naturally look for a higher being and purpose. The idea that we might be left to our own devices is too much, hence bootcamp was created, and strip clubs. Anyway, brushing that aside reluctantly, I'm using fasting to help speed up weight loss. Fasting works for some but not for others, requires a degree of will power and is not the right or wrong way by any means.

I wrote a blog post explaining about fasting but to summarise: I don't eat for 16-17 hours (from 8pm to 12 to 1pm, this drops my insulin levels and by the morning I'm in a zone called 'ketosis' that signifies I'm now burning fat as my main fuel source. I only drink water and have one cup of coffee with a tablespoon of MCT oil (pure coconut oil - 100% saturated fat), I also take my omega 3 tablets with my coffee as research suggest this not only boosts the metabolism but also helps ward off Alzheimer's as the combination of MCT's (medium-chain triglycerides) and omegas is rocket fuel for your brain.

*NB I will be soon trialling a powder called 'Keto OS' that one takes with water and that places your body into an instant state of ketosis WITHOUT HAVING TO FAST OVERNIGHT, so can be taken at any time of the day. Apparently it's not unlike the film 'Limitless'. The powers that be tell me, "Ketosis grants a world where 'slumps' don't exist, you just freebase along a perfect river, without the turbulence energy spikes create." We shall see... .


I'm afraid time allows only two points to be shared. More will follow. Besides, there is plenty to get stuck into.

Winter Lessons

I would be a liar if I said that 'I'm always learning', I'm really not, but this winter has thrown up a few morsels, they are as follows:

Not all pretentious ingredients are pretentious

I found out that my beloved CHIA seed was deeply treasured by the Mayans - which means they've been common Mexican knowledge for a good 2,200 years. The word 'Chia' means 'strength' (not small car) and the Mayans believed that just one spoonful would keep a 'Mayanian'(?) going for up to 24hrs...doing whatever it is Mayans did, which I assume is run around naked chasing bears and leaving hieroglyphics for Mel Gibson. Anyway, Chia seeds are brimming with omegas, zinc and a little calcium, so get stuck in.

Shoulder stability

Rather than retracting your shoulder blades when lifting something off the ground, a good cue to enhance your lift is to "put your shoulder blades in your back pockets". Ah...salmon skin roll.

Vitamin D is the shit 

I started taking it during the winter as we generally can't get enough. I take it in spray form in the belief it does this:

1. Aids calcium absorption (healthy bones).
2. Some report a possible connection between Vitamin D levels and the mood-enhancing neurotransmitter serotonin but studies are a tad inconclusive.
3. Boosts your immunity, especially against colds and flu (yes, even the man flu) as the immune system uses Vitamin D to make antimicrobial weapons that puncture holes in bacteria and viruses, which sounds very chique.

Empathy, 'the action of understanding'

My mother told me recently, whilst emerging from a cloud of flour and caster sugar, that "you mustn't try and rationalise, reason or explain somebody's pain; people only want their pain to be acknowledged". Mothers are wise like that...but also wildly inconsistent because she followed with, "but did you also know moles are haemophiliacs?". I did.