The Ten K: Coconut oil, Coffee and Weight Loss

I have lost a stone. A stone is a little over six kilograms.

Jasleen is a German baby born this year, she weighs six kilograms and has been crowned the largest baby born in Germany...ever. Below is a picture of the beautiful Jasleen. 

I know, she's a.) not that beautiful and b.) fucking massive. But, it does put things into perspective...I've lost a lot of weight and German babies are getting bigger - is that something we should be keeping an eye on?

Anyway, how on earth have I lost a stone?

I mentioned that I would be plunging into the nauseating depths of portion control. Well, I've taken the Heydrich approach to this and now I no longer eat breakfast. Consequently, my fasting period has now lengthened from a regular eleven hours (time between supper and breakfast) to around seventeen hours. My insulin levels remain low throughout - insulin tells your body to store fatty acids, not burn them.  Avoid unwanted insulin spikes, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't I want to break down and sob uncontrollably?

No more than usual - I get through the aforementioned period of fasting with the help of COFFEE and COCONUT OIL.

OMG WTF??

To encourage my body to use fat as a first choice energy source, to keep full, to maintain healthy hormone levels and improve my cognitive function, I add TWO TABLESPOONS of coconut oil to the large double espresso I have every morning. The coffee is taken within 30 minutes of me waking up so I don't like feeling hungry before drinking it. Within five minutes of finishing, I feel satiated and filled with more energy than an eight year old girl, at a One Direction concert, with ADHD, eating crystal meth.

Has this effected training?

It hasn't made me a faster runner but it hasn't made a slower one, either. In terms of difficulty, I don't feel that working out is more difficult - there are anomalies to this, but that will be coupled with other variables, such as sleep.

Feeling tired?

I don't feel tired and as long as I don't sit there, mourning the loss of an earlier breakfast (breaking-the-fast) like some Spanish widow, then I tend not to feel hungry. Yes, were you to try this, you may experience the rare and fleeting hunger pang but GET OVER IT - losing weight is not all sunshine and rainbows - sometimes, just sometimes, you are going to have to feel a little uncomfortable - a Syrian refugee, an imprisoned Suffragette or a Japanese prisoner of war have/had serious grounds for complaint...you absolutely do NOT.

Why coconut oil?

1. It's good for the brain - read up about the research that is going into the correlation between this oil and the prevention of Alzheimer's - 50% of every cell membrane in your body is made up of saturated fat - do the maths.

2. It raises the metabolism.

3. It keeps you full.

4. Helps prevent type 2 diabetes - it protects against insulin resistance.

5. Controls weight - especially abdominal fat - for the same reason as above.

6. Stops the cravings - have spoonful of coconut oil, not something carbohydrate based and stay fuller for longer.

7. It's good for the skin.

So, there we have but a brief pretext on the wonders of coconut oil. So, try putting a teaspoon in your coffee at first (your body needs to ease into it) and work your way up to TWO tablespoons. Please do message me if you have any questions, not reservations...I except you will have those. Oh, and make sure that throughout the morning you drink lots of water, ideally ice cold.

- My training information will follow shortly -

The Ten K: Lost Time is Never Found Again

I've lost a kilogram. I am not worried. There is approximately 25 days until race day. I am now a little worried. "Oh shit", said someone, once, probably French. My training is going well and the contents of my diet are near perfection. "I must have a thyroid problem, yes, that's it. It was likely brought about by all the stress I've been burdened with lately; the kids have broken up and I feel that the nanny isn't pulling her weight. The Polish have always been suspect to lethargy." But alas, I know the real answer: portion size, and that means I have to cut it. So, if you see a shadow of a man/boy drifting through the Surrey undergrowth of endless Waitrose car parks and Range Rover Evoques, with a glint-less eye and unconvincing smile, it's me. Hello.

(NB. The diet pointers and training I spoke of in the preceding posts are all water-tight. Losing a kilogram in two weeks is a pretty perfect rate of weightloss...it's only that I have urgent dreams to attend to and there is a sledge of shit dragging behind me.)

Adjustments made:

1. 'Freddie, the multivitamin days.' - As I'm cutting calories and increasing training volume, I've bought a top notch multivitamin from Solgar (see below, obviously). It's the one you take twice a day; the one-a-day ones are so heavily loaded with 'B Vits' and Iron, that it makes it near impossible to absorb everything, hence why when you take them, like a Japanese schoolboy, you too are greeted by radioactive pee. Bring on 2020.

                                                       

2. 'Dulling the senses' - No, I've not yet succumbed to the bottle's deep, resonating allure, but instead have added a Swedish touch to my plate. The more foods and flavours you have on your plate, the more you will eat. Fact. Ever been to a buffet? Well, nor have I, but I'm told your eyes betray you. So, be like an Ikea kitchen and don't chuck everything on there. Thinking that some humous and maybe a quinoa dish will also go with your mashed sweet potato, tuna steak and avocado salad is all marvellous but it is TOO much. Just because it's healthy doesn't mean it belongs on your plate.

3. 'Finishing with a flourish' - I'm now adding 2-4 quick hill sprints to the end of my runs. It doesn't matter whether I've done a thirty minute 'tempo run' or an hour and twenty minute 'long run', the sprints will follow. If the race comes down to the last 5 minutes, I will have been there before. Death, taxes and hill sprints, said no one, ever.

4. 'Once more to the track' - track running gives rusted technique a good lick of paint; a bad gait or a drifting arm is cruelly exposed when running on the flat, around and around and around in a circle. Did you know that Tirunesh Dibaba can ONLY turn left? Anyway, I'm going to be doing 400 metre repeats tomorrow - that's 400 metres completed within 80 seconds, repeated 10 times, with a 200 metre recovery distance in between each 400 metres. I warm up extensively for this little gem...that means lots of dynamic stretches and few plyometrics to get my central nervous system and my muscles firing on all cylinders. Why 400 metres? It plays around, ruthlessly, with all the energy systems. Therefore, you ought to leave the athletics track a tad distraught, but with aerobic, anaerobic, ATP-PC and lactic energy systems to be revered. Phew, what a lot of energy systems we have...we're positively brimming with'em. (NB. This style of training is applicable to many other disciplines. For example, swimming....yes, swimming...James C..Harry...swimming....Bueller?)

5. 'Call me George Clooney' - I'm drinking a fantastic amount of Nespresso coffee. You should too. See this post for reasons why: http://justbootcamp.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/coffee-before-exercise-just-do-it.html. 

So if If you're ** years old and you are still not drinking coffee, you need to waltz down - though non-coffee drinkers are loathe to waltz, preferring a morose 'traipse' - to a Nespresso shop, nod warmly to the poster of George Clooney, allow his omnipotent gaze to bear down on you and buy a coffee machine. It will be THE best thing you ever do. Your first house, kids, a car, a toothbrush, food for your pet, food for your children are all transitory in comparison to a Nespresso coffee machine. 

Anyway, I must dash. Ciao

The Ten K: Diet Pointers

I'm not going to faff around on this one. Here are some diet bullet points that i will be adhering to over the course of the next few weeks. More will follow.

1. I don't count calories. Each person is genetically individual, therefore you each have differing ways of handling micro and macro nutrients - one calorie of white rice may be used/burned differently in a woman from Vietnam than a man from Greenland; find what your body is most comfortable with (gluten tends to make me feel lethargic and bloated, for instance). Furthermore, to count calories makes for rather a vapid existence, and often drags you into unhealthier psychological realms - don't ruin your relationship with food.

2. I eat when I'm hungry, not when my appetite, often dictated by the Gregorian calendar and external stimuli, insist I do. Drink a glass of water if you think you're 'hungry' - thirst is easily veiled - and wait for 30 minutes after eating to see if you are in fact full.

3. I always have a small piece of very dark chocolate at the end of the meal, handed to me on a tray fashioned out of integrity and respect, always accompanied by an espresso if it's at lunch, obviously...darling - this helps stop the release of ghrelin, the hunger hormone, as it signals a close to the meal. If this doesn't work, brush your teeth. 

4. I have something sugary post exercise (see blog on babies) and then eat within the hour. This meal always has carbs, to aid recovery, in it. Generally the carbs consist of either sweet potato, quinoa, lentils, legumes (black beans, butter beans, kidney beans etc.) and every now and then potatoes or rice noodles (good for Asian dishes). Look up Otto Lenghi for foody inspiration.

5. I'm not afraid of fat. If you've ever dieted and excluded fat, then you too will empathise with the crushing hunger and relentless fatigue that forever hangs from one's shoulders during so cruel a period. Fat is fucking fantastic, l defy anyone to increase their fat intake (only good quality fats need apply - coconut oil, fat from mackerel, extra virgin olive oil and beef, lamb, pork from a butcher etc.) and not see a difference in mood, cognitive function, sex drive, general demeanour and increased use of alliteration. 

6. I am the like the child from 'The Sixth Sense' but instead of dead people, I see sugar. It's not the same but it has it's moments. That means when you order a 'totes delish, über yummy mango salad from this, like, UNbelievable (and yet believable) retro-vegan, salad bar, run by this super-cute lesbian couple from Sierra Leone', I am aware that what you saw as a no carb, charity salad that you just HAVE to tweet about -#sierraleonesaladsareasbadastheirwarcrimesomg - I see as a sugar-laden, pretentious carb festival, without wrist-bands. Beware of sugary dressings and elusive salad dwelling fruits. Stick to lemon juice, mustard, olive oil etc.

The finishing note: If you are strapped for culinary ideas, stay true to this trusty combination...

Bake a sweet potato, steam some vegetables, throw in some pea shoots, rocket and watercress and then add either chicken thighs cooked with lemon and garlic, pork loin cooked with Moroccan spices (Ras el hanout etc.), salmon fillets with parsley, butter and lemon or even a ribeye or fillet steak. Be aware of portion control though...there is no shame in not finishing a plate of food (apparently).

More training intricacies to follow next week...

Sent from my iPad

The Ten K

This was meant to have been released last Friday but hey, here it is...

I have entered into a '10K'. I am 6ft 2", have the hair of a Disney heroine and the manner of an Edinburgh based, Giant Panda, but I weigh 14 stone. Running for extended periods of time and carrying weight is not a match made in heaven. Mo Farah looks like Naomi Campbell did in the late eighties and is now, arguably, Britain's greatest ever athlete. What I am loosely trying to say is, I need to lose some weight. I tell you this not because I see this white screen as a diary to pour out the inevitable arrival of hunger fuelled, hormonal thoughts ('How many voicemail messages are 'too many'? Why can't I still pull off baby blue!?') but rather to articulate what I'm doing to get race fit and whether it's working. Today's piece will give but a broad outline of what I'm up to; the intricacies of dieting and training will be approached at a later date.

That What I 'Av Done This Week & Why

Monday - A long run. I ran for an hour, wearing my Vibrams and a disturbed look that said, "drinking rum until four on a Sunday morning, is one of THE biggest mistakes modern athletes make today...that and bad footwear...but mainly the rum." Why do this? To allow muscles to adjust to continuous strain, thus promoting muscular endurance.

Tuesday - A shortish run at race pace (the 'tempo' run). I went galloping around the countryside with my brother for forty minutes. We met a Golden Retriever puppy along the way. The sound of two young men/boys shrieking, "PUPPY!", was heard across county borders. Why? Because we LOVE puppies. Why do this? To get used to desired racing speed - it shouldn't be an abstract gear when race day arrives.

Wednesday - Bootcamp. I joined in the bootcamp that day and thus I too flipped tyres, swung kettlebells and worked on creating 'internal abdominal pressure' for an hour. I wore a paisley patterned headband throughout...the day. Why do this? Although the tyres were unnecessary, the core work will promote a stronger running form; if you're weak in the core, your posture falls apart, you can not utilise your glutes effectively and your gait will deteriorate.

Thursday - Boxing. I had a PT session with 'Will'. We tend to always box on a Thursday. All of it is partner based. If Will has a long city lunch, he tends to get hurt. Silly Will. Boxing and skipping strengthen the Achilles' tendons and your calves - both are rather important now that I'm running barefooted. Furthermore, it's important to throw in another form of cardio whilst training for a particular event. Smash the status quo 'n' all that.

Friday - Interval Training. Today's interval training was hill sprinting. Myself and 'James' (James is training for a 'sprint triathlon' that his fiancé entered him into; a glimpse of married life. Silly James) did twelve sprints in total. The distance varied from sixty to three-hundred metres. James weighs  twelve and a half stone. I spent most of the time staring at James' bum (because I was a touch slower...and I wanted to..."Like two baby tomatoes they was"). I felt like passing out and throwing up simultaneously - is that even possible? We ate loads of Jelly Babies. Running hills increases your aerobic capacity like you probably would believe.

Saturday - Will be spent swanning around the garden, discussing Syria and this year's lavender renaissance. These sort of discussions are done because they allow for a broader endurance to blossom...and lavender is the shit. Word.

Sunday - Will be spent distributing surplus food to homeless shelters in and around south London. Or...will be spent crying because I have a hangover and I feel like squirrel is hammering away at my eyes with a small but very real hammer.  

In short, I have increased cardiovascular exercise and decreased resistance training...kissing away the bulk and embracing the mashinist within.

Next week we shall discuss the beloved diet and all that jazz.

Raising the Metabolism

There exists a daily dietary struggle and internal turmoil that rests like a crude rock of insecurity in the pit of every woman's stomach - no one is safe, no one is exemplary. Blame it on the media; blame it on the Middletons; or blame it on your mothers..."she always made me feel fat. Yes, that was almost certainly her intention." It matters not, it is what it is. Now, one can scribble furiously in the back pages of a Hello Kitty diary, fuming that Jenny has an over-active thyroid and you don't, or one can start putting a little consideration into what one eats and how one lives. Today, we shall look at the metabolism and how you can give yours a secular kick. Heed the advice below, and you too will have the resting metabolic rate of an eight year old boy on amphetamines.

Thyroid attention - zinc, copper, selenium and iodine (especially if you are pregnant - congratulations, by the way) are all integral to the prosperity of your thyroid. The thyroid controls how quickly the body uses energy, makes proteins and manages how sensitive the body is to other hormones. Neglect your thyroid and in time you'll soon be fighting your weight, whilst losing your muscle and feeling like you have the hormones of an aspiring runway model. Yes, I watch Britain's & Ireland's Next Top Model (BINTM)...Naomi to win, she's just - like - soooo gorgeous and - like - totally owns the camera/a camera. Don't be a chubby BINTM contestant, they don't exist; eat more seafood and/or more nuts and look after that thyroid of yours.

Join the resistance - if you have more muscle on your frame, your resting metabolic rate will increase. You needn't be a bodybuilder to partake in resistance training. "No ladies, you will not look bulky and over muscled, for the hundredth time...have a look on-line at female bodybuilders - that is the body you will build if you train for two hours every day, eat chicken every two and a half hours, ingest enough pills to make Conrad Murray frown and top things up with enough human growth hormone to bring a badger back to life. Stop fretting and start lifting.

Water - drink plenty of it. The metabolic process needs water to fuel it. Add ice and your body has to work harder to warm it up, which means a temporary increase in your metabolic rate. Happy days.

Spice up your life - chillies, black pepper, cumin and even cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg and ginger all play their part. Cayenne and black pepper works best, I find, as they contain capsaicin and piperine, respectively. Thermogenesis is what it's all about. 

Exercise early - do as as Rocky does and try and get in a bit of exercise first thing. Short and intense works best *dramatic pause followed by muffled laughter*. Warm up for five minutes, go hell-for-leather for ten minutes and warm down and stretch for another five minutes. Make that ten minutes HIIT filled and say bonjour to a soupçon du oxygen debt; your metabolism is now akin to a race horse's. Ney, indeed....ney, indeed. Now go down those eggs. Adrian!

This is enough to get you started with, for now. Bonne chance mes petites fleurs. Mange tout, mange tout.

Three Types of Unnecessary People

The Three:

• • In fruit they trust. Dumbstruck by their apparent lack of weight loss, they continue to eat punnets upon punnets, oblivious to the fact that fruit is essentially fructose, which is sugar, which is ever so easily turned into fat. Yes, you may well be awash with vitamins but who gives a f*** when you're carrying an extra five pounds around your arse and now look like J-Lo on carbohydrates. Have fruit before 12 a.m. or just after exercise. Get the majority of your RDA's from vegetables and quit playing around with your insulin levels.

• People who say that they 'love' everything. This hyperbolic infection pretty much summarises the faults that lie in too many's lexicon. We are inundated by loosely constructed sentences that flood society with their lack of substance and, now, conviction. You can love siblings, The White Album, 18 year old Laphroaig scotch, the snow, your dog, your wife, your neighbour's wife, but you can not 'love' One Tree Hill, the Middleton's or anything made by Simon Cowell.

• Meanderers. Faffing around, doing 30 minutes of gentle biking, on a machine, reading your latest Jilly Cooper novel is not a waste of time - I mean, who doesn't just LOVE Jilly Cooper? - but it's about as close to it as you can get. Interval training better improves anaerobic capacity, aerobic capacity and burns more fat during and after. So, whether, you're doing HIIT or, indeed, another form of interval training, stick to keeping it short and sweet and reap the benefits (see blog post on HIIT for ideas). Keep the chic lit romance for awkward train journeys and waiting rooms.

Reminiscing & Other Indulgances

It will soon be a year passed since bootcamp first flew onto the scene in a haze of compensatory campness; amongst a bed of polystyrene wrapped kettlebells; and, rather importantly, in front of a small flock of trusting disciples. Much has changed, much has not: I no longer preach to smallish congregations but rather spill my words over medium to largish groups; the kettlebells have now taken on a rustic used look; but I still remain vivacious to the point of overtly 'theatrical', forever searching for that unbroken soliloquy. Anyway, without further adieu, I give you some of the more golden of nuggets that have struck and supported me during the ride that is the 9:15am bootcamp.


Kids. Get the kids involved. Whether its putting the finishing touches on Nike trainers or joining in on circuit training, it is of the utmost importance to make space for them in your bootcamp. Fail to accommodate and people will drift away - you've been branded the Roald Dahl of the fitness world - or worst they'll soon be running riot, eating mats, erecting religious idolatry from boxing gloves and selling kettlebells on EBay.

Respect (just a little bit). Yeah, that's right, I said, I meant it and I'm here to represent it. If you commit yourself to coming with a large group of girls/ladies/madams, you won't regret it. Let me try that one again: if you start coming frequently, with or without a friend, early in the morning, you will reap the benefits. What be the benefits? Well, asides from a ground-breaking figure that would float with the best of Sports Illustrated, you'll be flooded by respect. Welcome to the Sopranos. Many a time had I wandered through the undergrowth of Waitrose, searching for infamous artichoke hearts - it was a solitary journey - minding the business of my own, but now I throw myself from isle to isle, nods here, greetings there, secret handshakes left right 'n' centre....Waitrose hasn't had this much attention since Pippa Middleton discovered that putting ice in your drink will make it cold. Well, Pippa can think of some more tips* in her own time because Waitrose is mine, my house. Attending bootcamp cements your position in the Italian bloodline of Surrey-Kent border. Call me the Godmother...if you like, I'm really not that fussed....honestly.

Cliques. Avoid these at all costs, for as soon as a clique has sprouted out from beneath you, destruction will ensue. Controlling one group is hard, controlling two or three is near impossible. It's not their fault they didn't listen to your articulate explanation of the biomechanics of a burpee - they were engrossed in said clique - but that won't change the fact that you will forever be stuck in explanatory purgatory, cursed by repetition.

The Illusionist. Place posture on a pedestal. If you can give people the tools to amend the way they sit, stand, walk and run, then dividends will be paid. Standing correctly and confidently is THE most/pretty much the most attractive thing people can do. Monastic dedication might give you the body of a 21 year old volleyball player, but if you don't hold yourself correctly, no one will know that.

Here endeth the lesson.

*Pippa's tips include gems such as, “[Star-gazing] is best in pitch darkness on a very clear night, and can be exciting even for quite young children.”or, “If you prefer a cold beverage over a warm one, you could put water in a tray in the freezer. This will allow it to harden. You can then place these now frozen cubes into a glass and consume your cold beverage.” and last but not least, "“Games are not only fun but are also useful for keeping children at the table.”

                                

The Summer's Teachings. Part II

The winter felt like we were locked inside some island-sized Stalingrad, 'forced' into frequent libation. But, the dark days are over and the speedos and southern comfort are in. However, with glorious sunshine come the trials and tribulations of heat. We’re not good with extremes - I'm writing this in boxer shorts y nada mas; I am like a lonely pensioner, at a computer, in a retirement home in some North American suburb. On that note, let's address a few summer issues (or ‘sissues’ - born from my recent love of portmanteau) of the nutritional, fitness and social variety.

• Timing is everything – Avoid exercising between the hours of 11am and 3pm. Unless you are training for some sadistic ultramarathon, which takes place on sand and fire, you won’t reap any benefits from exercising in the heat. Only professional athletes can profit from extreme temperatures, your bodies will not. Bikram yoga in the deepest depths of Kensington is one thing, circuit training at 1pm is another.
  
  
• Listen to Frankie – relax, man. Break the workout up into chunks, have longer breaks and get those electrolytes back into your system. Make your own drink: a pinch or two of good salt, some cordial and water.

• Babies, babies, babies – do not cope well when left in direct sunlight. Therefore, do not leave your baby in the sun; their tiny, little-wittle bodies are not so good at cooling themselves down. Ask yourself this: when was the last time your saw a baby sweat? Exactly.

• Small is Good – or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself...about hydration. Please, sisters, b’gone crude thoughts. Taking small and frequent sips of water (or from your ‘special’ electrolyte drink) will allow your body to better absorb the liquid. Big gulps, bad, delicate ‘sippettes’, good.
  
  
• Gin & Circuses - we all knew that Hendrick's gin hit the spot like a shot of cucumber infused morphine, but with seasonal change comes elderflower and it is in this beautiful flower that gin, tonic and your very souls will find summer solace. Add a touch of elderflower cordial (or even elderflower liqueur) to your gin and tonic, and find sheer, unadulterated joy caress every sense-filled crevice. Gin was the drink of Hogarth's London. Embrace your inner harlot.
  
  
• Bare your feet - be more at one with nature and exercise barefoot. It's better for your posture, your foot muscles, your gait and in this heat, who wants sweaty feet? Not I. Please avoid commons frequented by: drunks, heroin addicts and the Greeks.

The Best Thing to Come Out of Israel Since Micro-Irrigation

Recently I have become engrossed in the world of TACFIT, which is a fitness programme employed by a fair proportion of government agencies and special forces. For what means these skilled are learnt, I have little to no idea, I do, however, believe it Israel who brought TACFIT to light...so that their troops might be more equipped at being passive. On the other hand, I have begun to use it to bring already well armed housewives into a state of physical perfection. When Croydon really does decide to expand into the rolling green foothills of Surrey-Kent border, we shall be ready.

What to do:

Warm up ever so thoroughly. You should be sweating when you start the main workout.

The workout:

10 repetitions of each exercise. No rest between exercises or rounds. Complete 5 rounds.

Part .I.

• Quad Hop

• Hindu Press Up

• The Kong (if you land on your heels – bringing them as close to your hands as possible – you employ more core muscles).

Part .2.(this is not for the faint of heart – if you can't perform at least 20 press ups, then don't attempt this).

Same rules as Part .1.

• Swing Plank (stay as low to the ground as possible).

• Leg Swoop

• Quad Hop Squat (keep elbows out when landing back into the face down position - to cushion the impact a little better).

Now go warm down and stretch off, safe in the knowledge that you are now basically a ninja.

An Ode to Dorian

Dorian Yates was a six time Mr. Olympia during the nineties who revolutionised bodybuilding, forever. He used a style of training known as ‘high intensity training’. Obviously, most of you will have been ignorant to Mr. Yates’ achievements; the majority of you will probably prefer to remain so. However, like it or not, high intensity training gets rather marvellous results, and in a world where everyone at least appears to be in the most dreadful of hurries, saving time on your workout can’t be a bad thing. Ladies, please do not be deterred - bodybuilding is exactly that: the art of building one's body to the desired shape and size, the tools for such an art can not be overlooked by layman like ourselves.

Mr. Yates was also given the nickname ‘The Shadow’, not because he was black (he wasn’t), but due to the lengthy amount of time he would remain in obscurity (Birmingham) before entering a competition. I mention this not because of a newfound approbation for Birmingham based training, but rather as I wish to relay a certain message, a lesson for disciples of, or weary bystanders to, fitness:

...Sometimes when you train, you should do it alone, away from materialist distractions; set aside from conversations about Kate’s pregnancy; disconnected from the disturbing white noise a gym gives birth to when, simultaneously, the Kardashians scream out through LCD covered walls and bass ridden speakers squeeze out Rihanna’s finest or One Direction’s top tunes (among other oxymorons). A touch of solace is good for the soul. So, in light of obscurity, why not throw in the wisdom of Mr. Yates into your life. Every relationship requires refreshment; let this be your spa weekend in Devon, your role play in the Ritz or your handcuffs and nine-tails on a Wednesday night, after Madmen.  Below are a few essential components to HIT.

•   Gorilla Training – do as the gorillas do and workout a little less but a lot more intensely. Gorillas will do almost nothing for most of their time – largely spent gambling or squandered in strip clubs of such notoriety as ‘The Bamboo Pole’ or ‘The Slippery Branch’ - but when they do, it is carried out with 100% intensity. It is the intensity that counts.

• Two Minutes Only – this is the only time that lasting two minutes is actually seen as a good thing, but make sure that you are unable to go any longer than 120 seconds. If you can, add more weight, jump higher, use one hand etc.  (When applying HIT to your cardio routine, I would advise exercising at 100% for a total of no more than 4-5 minutes (i.e. 10 sets of 20 seconds at 100% effort and 40 seconds at 30%). WORK TO FAILURE, PLEASE.)

• Form – when applicable to weight training, one should focus on the ‘eccentric’ phase, which means lowering the weight slowly (around 4 seconds), so that you can work the muscle most effectively - you are strongest in this phase. When your muscles have failed, throw in one or two ‘negatives’, ‘drop sets’ or a ‘rest pause’ (look these up).

•  Rest – don’t rest much between sets and exercises. The time it takes to grab whatever you need for your next set or exercise is more than enough. Your heart rate should remain high.

• Frequency – give your body time to recover. Do not exercise more than three times a week in this fashion.

•   Time – the whole workout shouldn’t go on for more than 45 minutes. You shouldn’t be able to go for longer than that anyway.

• Warm Up – thoroughly and always do one or two warm up sets (40-60% of your max) before starting your ‘working set’ for that exercise. For cardio, you should be sweating by the time you start your HIT.     

     Some of you are still a tad baffled, fear not. Below is a very, very rough idea of what your plan could look like for a week:

Monday – Weights:

    Choose two exercises from each movement section and then perform 1 warm up set and one working set of each exercise. The working set should be done to failure and you should not be able to get more than 12 repetitions. If you can, add more weight, jump higher etc. I feel life I am staining the page with endless repetition, apologies.

·         Lower Body Push – squats, lunges, Bulgarian split squats, leg press (use a barbell, kettlebell, bodyweight (jumping to increase difficulty), medicine ball).

·         Lower Body Pull - Romanian deadlift, deadlift, single leg deadlift.

·         Upper Body Press – bench press, dumbbell press, bodyweight press up (going to half press ups when reaching failure), shoulder press.

·         Upper Body Pull – bent over row, elastic band pull, wide grip pull up (jumping up and lowering yourself down slowly when failure is reached).

·         Core – hanging leg raise, reverse crunches, Russian twists, the plank (turn into a superman plank, if needs be) etc.

Tuesday – Rest.

Wednesday – Cardio:

·      Please see my article on HIIT Training and choose one of the workouts from there.

Thursday – Weights: The same as Monday.

Friday – Rest.

Saturday – Cardio.

Sunday – Rest.

So there it is. Just remember, go flat out and make sure that by end of each exercise, you can physically do no more. Be a Gorilla, man.

The Summer's Teachings. Part I

• Coconut Water is Good, Really Good – we already knew it helped with the ol' hangover but when the sun is out and you find yourself beyond parched, this holiest of waters comes into its own. It's largely to do with the Potassium; I like to think it's down to Vita Coco funded witchcraft but hey, I also thought my Teddy bear, infamously named 'Super Pup', had super powers, so what do I know? Also, apparently Vita Coco is from coconuts; thank you Rihanna, another mystery solved.
  
  
• Oil: Not Just For Salads & Strip Clubs – ever wondered why bikini models have a glowing sheen to their skin? The oil they use makes their bodies look longer, leaner and more toned. Grab some Bio Oil from Boots and get filming...sorry, rubbing. Anyway, the oil will soon seep into the skin leaving such a radiant glow that men, women, cats, dogs and my gardener, Bill (who's a man of 31 years marriage, but a budding pervert still), will be rendered speechless at so ethereal a beauty.
  
  
• Don't You Know, Pump It Up – listen to Danzel, he's from Belgium, and pump it up before heading to the beach if you want to look more toned. Don't over do it; don't try too hard, or you'll risk looking like the love child of Peter Andre and Veronica Campbell-Brown...topical Freddie, topical. How do we do this? Do a quick workout (no longer than 45mins) or, if kept hostage by your confidence in some soulless hotel in the Costa Del Sol, try 3 rounds, doing each exercise to failure, of press ups, the dead bug and 'evil jumps' (look them up). No rest in between rounds or exercises. The blood will start to rush through your muscles...ask Arnie what that feels like.
  
  
• Conventional Crunches – still a waste of time.
  
  
• Have a Kit Kat – every one in six weeks, you might want to try cutting your training volume by a third, to increase your chances of avoiding 'niggling injuries'. Don't actually have a Kit Kat.
  
  
• Don't Rescue Fallen Babies – I tried to mother a fallen baby song bird, it did not work. Failure, on an ornathological level or any other, is always hard to take; baby Blue Tits just can't be domesticated. Fact.

The Road to a Flat Stomach: Using The Vacuum

I apologise for the brief hiatus; I found myself caught up in the maelstrom of summer hustle. Anyway, today I thought I'd pay an ode to brevity and talk only about a couple of things you can do to firm your midsection. These aren't thespian esq, gym-based activities that require a plethora of bizarre equipment, but instead require nought but one's bodyweight and call for little huff and puff. They concern, however, two things: the thoracolumbar fascia and the transverse abdominis (TVA).

The foracum...face...what?

Well, the thoracolubar fascia is a deep infesting membrane that covers the muscles of the back of the trunk and the TVA is the deepest muscle in the stomach and wraps around the torso from the front to the back and from the ribs to the pelvis; both are INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to you - acting as God's weightlifting belt for everyday and every-other-day activities. More to the point, if you pay lavish attention to these two tissues, your stomach will be very grateful, specifically you will find yourself rid of that burdensome 'paunch' that no crunch has ever expunged. You know what I'm talking about.

What witchcraft is this you talk of?

Basically we are looking at creating a vacuuming effect around your midsection...a 'corset', of sorts. You can do this by increasing your inter-abdominal pressure through activation of your thoracolumbar fascia. Furthermore, by combining this with TVA exercises, you flatten your stomach even more, as well as stabilize your spine and pelvis.

Asides from a flat stomach, what else is in it for me?

• Increased core stability – not the type that personal trainers try and create by throwing you on a Swiss ball, blindfolded, but true, internal strength (and no, not the type which prevents you from crying at the end of 'Homeward bound: The Incredible Journey'... “Chance!...Chance!”) – which is good for posture, sport and pretty much everything, as you can well imagine.
  
  
• Segmental mobility of the pelvis – allows you to control your pelvis better....ah, mais oui. Most people have a pelvis which tilts up or down (bum out or bum in/excessive curvature of lower back or too little).
  
  
• Decreased risk of injury – it's fairly obvious this one.

What's wrong with the crunch, Jane Fonda does them?

• Shortens the hip flexors – leads to tipping forward of the hips (anterior pelvic tilt), which inturn creates a more protruding belly and decreased sporting performance. Especially for people who work at a desk who will already have hypersensitive hip flexors.
• Hamstring injuries.
• Postural injures.
• Jane Fonda does them.

What does one do about all this palaver?

After warming up, thoroughly, I always throw in the following sequence:

• Bird-Dog – on your hands and knees, kick back your right leg whilst extending your left arm. Hold for 2x20 seconds, then swap arms and legs. Try and keep hip movement to a minimum and squeeze your bum muscle. I clench my fist and sing power ballads whilst doing it as I find it allows for a greater contraction in the back muscles.
  
  
• Plank – squeeze bum and suck stomach in (vacuum). Hold for 2x30 seconds.
  
  
• The Dead Bug – lie on your back with your hands and legs in the air, push your lower back into the ground and lower your left leg whilst lowering (behind your head) your right arm. Stop just before hitting the ground, then slowly return to the starting position. Do 10 repetitions per arm and leg combo, before changing. Repeat twice.
  
  
• Stomach Vacuums – standing up, hands on hips, take a large breath in. As you exhale, suck your stomach in as far possible (visualise pulling your belly button into your spine). Hold this position for 20 seconds, whilst breathing normally but with the stomach pulled in. Try 3 sets of 20 seconds. You can eventually work your way up to 40 second contractions, and, by then, you too will have the waist of a nineteenth century courtesan. Bonjour indeed.

Separate from the workout but useful nonetheless...

• Diaphragm Breathing – it's all connected, so if you can try to focus on breathing from the stomach a little more, your TVA and thoracolumbar fascia will thank you.

Right, that's it. Go forth and reveal your inner Cora Pearl...physiologically first, then see how far up you get.

The Flat Stomach: Beware of Bloating

      The summer is here and although I hear a cacophony of seasonal pessimists chirping at my door, I just do not care. So, to those that sing in the shower, make a noise when they see a puppy and have ever tried to rescue a butterfly from the almost certain death a conservatory poses, I say, “You bring the Will Smith CDs and I'll fish out the Hawaiian Tropic.” But before we all rush to cut-off denim shorts and paisley patterned bandannas, it might be a good idea to read this, because when the time comes to reenact the volleyball scene from Top Gun, you don't want to be left behind... .

Bloating

     Having the abs of, or even being, Gay Jesus (Above Centre) can not protect you from the aesthetic destruction bloating will wreak on your trip to the beach/a South London common/a pool/a North London common/an obscure gentlemen’s club. So, here are a few things to bear in mind when keeping things flat:

• Say 'No' to Dairy (and drugs....but mostly dairy) – The majority of you are probably, at the least, a touch lactose intolerant. But don't despair, you haven't let down the team/evolution as we're not really meant to being enjoying any form of milk after those initial few stages of development. Consuming any form of lactose, therefore, may result in gas, bloating, diarrhoea or constipation. If you really can't resist milk, go Goat as the fat is more easily digested due to their smaller molecular size (less likely to aggregate).
• Sugar-free Chewing Gum – they contain sugar alcohols (sugars that have been bound with an alcohol), therefore your body only digests part of the sugar. This partial digestion can cause bloating, gas and even diarrhoea. In fact, stay clear of all gum as even the normal stuff will make you swallow air. Get a tooth pick instead, then marry a second cousin and go shoot something.
• Fruit – too much of it will overload your system with soluble fibre, which can lead to bloating. So, although that ridiculously good fruit smoothie, laden with rum, makes you want to dance around like a backing singer for Bananarama, on Valium, resist the urge to sip further. No one likes a bloated backing singer....no one.
• Drinking and Eating - Sticking to plain water during meals is a rule I don't expect anyone to stick to, unless you are in a prison. Just try to avoid fizzy drinks as they will cause excess air in your digestive system.
• Keep an Eye on Carbs – There are carbohydrates out there that cannot be broken down in the small intestine and thus pass into the large intestine where they are acted on by gas-producing bacteria. Beans, onions and asparagus are the main culprits.
• Straws – Are you between the ages of 3 and 8 years old? Have you lost both your arms? Were you recently in a car accident? If you haven't said yes to any of the above, you do not need to drink out of a straw. You will take take up excess air with every sip. You look ridiculous.

Things you should be doing:

• Paying Attention to Manners – eat slowly, don't eat too much, don't take a sip whilst you are still chewing (unless you are in fact a Viking and planning on invading Newcastle...which you can keep, by the way) and sit up straight at the table. These cornerstones of table-manners will help ensure healthy digestion.
• Exercising Regularly – not only can it dispel excess air from your intestinal tract, it will also increase the speed of one's digestion. One does love a speedy digestion.
• Mastication – chew your food. I am aware that this has already been implied but it's important: digestion starts in the mouth. They say you ought to chew until it becomes the consistency of baby food. However, don't be too enthusiastic about this point...the grazing cow is not a good look.
• Rehydrate – If you've been out (out) the previous night, thrown back a few too many Appletinis and then gravitated towards any form food, your stomach is likely to be swollen (from the alcohol and the salt). Do as the celebrities do and find your fine white/black ass some coconut water (not heavily sweetened – 'Vita Coco' does the trick) and the potassium in the water will help balance your sodium levels and fight water retention. Now put on some large dark sunglasses, grab your Vita Coco and wander down a high street. God you're cool.