Three Types of Unnecessary People

The Three:

• • In fruit they trust. Dumbstruck by their apparent lack of weight loss, they continue to eat punnets upon punnets, oblivious to the fact that fruit is essentially fructose, which is sugar, which is ever so easily turned into fat. Yes, you may well be awash with vitamins but who gives a f*** when you're carrying an extra five pounds around your arse and now look like J-Lo on carbohydrates. Have fruit before 12 a.m. or just after exercise. Get the majority of your RDA's from vegetables and quit playing around with your insulin levels.

• People who say that they 'love' everything. This hyperbolic infection pretty much summarises the faults that lie in too many's lexicon. We are inundated by loosely constructed sentences that flood society with their lack of substance and, now, conviction. You can love siblings, The White Album, 18 year old Laphroaig scotch, the snow, your dog, your wife, your neighbour's wife, but you can not 'love' One Tree Hill, the Middleton's or anything made by Simon Cowell.

• Meanderers. Faffing around, doing 30 minutes of gentle biking, on a machine, reading your latest Jilly Cooper novel is not a waste of time - I mean, who doesn't just LOVE Jilly Cooper? - but it's about as close to it as you can get. Interval training better improves anaerobic capacity, aerobic capacity and burns more fat during and after. So, whether, you're doing HIIT or, indeed, another form of interval training, stick to keeping it short and sweet and reap the benefits (see blog post on HIIT for ideas). Keep the chic lit romance for awkward train journeys and waiting rooms.

Reminiscing & Other Indulgances

It will soon be a year passed since bootcamp first flew onto the scene in a haze of compensatory campness; amongst a bed of polystyrene wrapped kettlebells; and, rather importantly, in front of a small flock of trusting disciples. Much has changed, much has not: I no longer preach to smallish congregations but rather spill my words over medium to largish groups; the kettlebells have now taken on a rustic used look; but I still remain vivacious to the point of overtly 'theatrical', forever searching for that unbroken soliloquy. Anyway, without further adieu, I give you some of the more golden of nuggets that have struck and supported me during the ride that is the 9:15am bootcamp.


Kids. Get the kids involved. Whether its putting the finishing touches on Nike trainers or joining in on circuit training, it is of the utmost importance to make space for them in your bootcamp. Fail to accommodate and people will drift away - you've been branded the Roald Dahl of the fitness world - or worst they'll soon be running riot, eating mats, erecting religious idolatry from boxing gloves and selling kettlebells on EBay.

Respect (just a little bit). Yeah, that's right, I said, I meant it and I'm here to represent it. If you commit yourself to coming with a large group of girls/ladies/madams, you won't regret it. Let me try that one again: if you start coming frequently, with or without a friend, early in the morning, you will reap the benefits. What be the benefits? Well, asides from a ground-breaking figure that would float with the best of Sports Illustrated, you'll be flooded by respect. Welcome to the Sopranos. Many a time had I wandered through the undergrowth of Waitrose, searching for infamous artichoke hearts - it was a solitary journey - minding the business of my own, but now I throw myself from isle to isle, nods here, greetings there, secret handshakes left right 'n' centre....Waitrose hasn't had this much attention since Pippa Middleton discovered that putting ice in your drink will make it cold. Well, Pippa can think of some more tips* in her own time because Waitrose is mine, my house. Attending bootcamp cements your position in the Italian bloodline of Surrey-Kent border. Call me the Godmother...if you like, I'm really not that fussed....honestly.

Cliques. Avoid these at all costs, for as soon as a clique has sprouted out from beneath you, destruction will ensue. Controlling one group is hard, controlling two or three is near impossible. It's not their fault they didn't listen to your articulate explanation of the biomechanics of a burpee - they were engrossed in said clique - but that won't change the fact that you will forever be stuck in explanatory purgatory, cursed by repetition.

The Illusionist. Place posture on a pedestal. If you can give people the tools to amend the way they sit, stand, walk and run, then dividends will be paid. Standing correctly and confidently is THE most/pretty much the most attractive thing people can do. Monastic dedication might give you the body of a 21 year old volleyball player, but if you don't hold yourself correctly, no one will know that.

Here endeth the lesson.

*Pippa's tips include gems such as, “[Star-gazing] is best in pitch darkness on a very clear night, and can be exciting even for quite young children.”or, “If you prefer a cold beverage over a warm one, you could put water in a tray in the freezer. This will allow it to harden. You can then place these now frozen cubes into a glass and consume your cold beverage.” and last but not least, "“Games are not only fun but are also useful for keeping children at the table.”

                                

The Summer's Teachings. Part II

The winter felt like we were locked inside some island-sized Stalingrad, 'forced' into frequent libation. But, the dark days are over and the speedos and southern comfort are in. However, with glorious sunshine come the trials and tribulations of heat. We’re not good with extremes - I'm writing this in boxer shorts y nada mas; I am like a lonely pensioner, at a computer, in a retirement home in some North American suburb. On that note, let's address a few summer issues (or ‘sissues’ - born from my recent love of portmanteau) of the nutritional, fitness and social variety.

• Timing is everything – Avoid exercising between the hours of 11am and 3pm. Unless you are training for some sadistic ultramarathon, which takes place on sand and fire, you won’t reap any benefits from exercising in the heat. Only professional athletes can profit from extreme temperatures, your bodies will not. Bikram yoga in the deepest depths of Kensington is one thing, circuit training at 1pm is another.
  
  
• Listen to Frankie – relax, man. Break the workout up into chunks, have longer breaks and get those electrolytes back into your system. Make your own drink: a pinch or two of good salt, some cordial and water.

• Babies, babies, babies – do not cope well when left in direct sunlight. Therefore, do not leave your baby in the sun; their tiny, little-wittle bodies are not so good at cooling themselves down. Ask yourself this: when was the last time your saw a baby sweat? Exactly.

• Small is Good – or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself...about hydration. Please, sisters, b’gone crude thoughts. Taking small and frequent sips of water (or from your ‘special’ electrolyte drink) will allow your body to better absorb the liquid. Big gulps, bad, delicate ‘sippettes’, good.
  
  
• Gin & Circuses - we all knew that Hendrick's gin hit the spot like a shot of cucumber infused morphine, but with seasonal change comes elderflower and it is in this beautiful flower that gin, tonic and your very souls will find summer solace. Add a touch of elderflower cordial (or even elderflower liqueur) to your gin and tonic, and find sheer, unadulterated joy caress every sense-filled crevice. Gin was the drink of Hogarth's London. Embrace your inner harlot.
  
  
• Bare your feet - be more at one with nature and exercise barefoot. It's better for your posture, your foot muscles, your gait and in this heat, who wants sweaty feet? Not I. Please avoid commons frequented by: drunks, heroin addicts and the Greeks.

The Best Thing to Come Out of Israel Since Micro-Irrigation

Recently I have become engrossed in the world of TACFIT, which is a fitness programme employed by a fair proportion of government agencies and special forces. For what means these skilled are learnt, I have little to no idea, I do, however, believe it Israel who brought TACFIT to light...so that their troops might be more equipped at being passive. On the other hand, I have begun to use it to bring already well armed housewives into a state of physical perfection. When Croydon really does decide to expand into the rolling green foothills of Surrey-Kent border, we shall be ready.

What to do:

Warm up ever so thoroughly. You should be sweating when you start the main workout.

The workout:

10 repetitions of each exercise. No rest between exercises or rounds. Complete 5 rounds.

Part .I.

• Quad Hop

• Hindu Press Up

• The Kong (if you land on your heels – bringing them as close to your hands as possible – you employ more core muscles).

Part .2.(this is not for the faint of heart – if you can't perform at least 20 press ups, then don't attempt this).

Same rules as Part .1.

• Swing Plank (stay as low to the ground as possible).

• Leg Swoop

• Quad Hop Squat (keep elbows out when landing back into the face down position - to cushion the impact a little better).

Now go warm down and stretch off, safe in the knowledge that you are now basically a ninja.

An Ode to Dorian

Dorian Yates was a six time Mr. Olympia during the nineties who revolutionised bodybuilding, forever. He used a style of training known as ‘high intensity training’. Obviously, most of you will have been ignorant to Mr. Yates’ achievements; the majority of you will probably prefer to remain so. However, like it or not, high intensity training gets rather marvellous results, and in a world where everyone at least appears to be in the most dreadful of hurries, saving time on your workout can’t be a bad thing. Ladies, please do not be deterred - bodybuilding is exactly that: the art of building one's body to the desired shape and size, the tools for such an art can not be overlooked by layman like ourselves.

Mr. Yates was also given the nickname ‘The Shadow’, not because he was black (he wasn’t), but due to the lengthy amount of time he would remain in obscurity (Birmingham) before entering a competition. I mention this not because of a newfound approbation for Birmingham based training, but rather as I wish to relay a certain message, a lesson for disciples of, or weary bystanders to, fitness:

...Sometimes when you train, you should do it alone, away from materialist distractions; set aside from conversations about Kate’s pregnancy; disconnected from the disturbing white noise a gym gives birth to when, simultaneously, the Kardashians scream out through LCD covered walls and bass ridden speakers squeeze out Rihanna’s finest or One Direction’s top tunes (among other oxymorons). A touch of solace is good for the soul. So, in light of obscurity, why not throw in the wisdom of Mr. Yates into your life. Every relationship requires refreshment; let this be your spa weekend in Devon, your role play in the Ritz or your handcuffs and nine-tails on a Wednesday night, after Madmen.  Below are a few essential components to HIT.

•   Gorilla Training – do as the gorillas do and workout a little less but a lot more intensely. Gorillas will do almost nothing for most of their time – largely spent gambling or squandered in strip clubs of such notoriety as ‘The Bamboo Pole’ or ‘The Slippery Branch’ - but when they do, it is carried out with 100% intensity. It is the intensity that counts.

• Two Minutes Only – this is the only time that lasting two minutes is actually seen as a good thing, but make sure that you are unable to go any longer than 120 seconds. If you can, add more weight, jump higher, use one hand etc.  (When applying HIT to your cardio routine, I would advise exercising at 100% for a total of no more than 4-5 minutes (i.e. 10 sets of 20 seconds at 100% effort and 40 seconds at 30%). WORK TO FAILURE, PLEASE.)

• Form – when applicable to weight training, one should focus on the ‘eccentric’ phase, which means lowering the weight slowly (around 4 seconds), so that you can work the muscle most effectively - you are strongest in this phase. When your muscles have failed, throw in one or two ‘negatives’, ‘drop sets’ or a ‘rest pause’ (look these up).

•  Rest – don’t rest much between sets and exercises. The time it takes to grab whatever you need for your next set or exercise is more than enough. Your heart rate should remain high.

• Frequency – give your body time to recover. Do not exercise more than three times a week in this fashion.

•   Time – the whole workout shouldn’t go on for more than 45 minutes. You shouldn’t be able to go for longer than that anyway.

• Warm Up – thoroughly and always do one or two warm up sets (40-60% of your max) before starting your ‘working set’ for that exercise. For cardio, you should be sweating by the time you start your HIT.     

     Some of you are still a tad baffled, fear not. Below is a very, very rough idea of what your plan could look like for a week:

Monday – Weights:

    Choose two exercises from each movement section and then perform 1 warm up set and one working set of each exercise. The working set should be done to failure and you should not be able to get more than 12 repetitions. If you can, add more weight, jump higher etc. I feel life I am staining the page with endless repetition, apologies.

·         Lower Body Push – squats, lunges, Bulgarian split squats, leg press (use a barbell, kettlebell, bodyweight (jumping to increase difficulty), medicine ball).

·         Lower Body Pull - Romanian deadlift, deadlift, single leg deadlift.

·         Upper Body Press – bench press, dumbbell press, bodyweight press up (going to half press ups when reaching failure), shoulder press.

·         Upper Body Pull – bent over row, elastic band pull, wide grip pull up (jumping up and lowering yourself down slowly when failure is reached).

·         Core – hanging leg raise, reverse crunches, Russian twists, the plank (turn into a superman plank, if needs be) etc.

Tuesday – Rest.

Wednesday – Cardio:

·      Please see my article on HIIT Training and choose one of the workouts from there.

Thursday – Weights: The same as Monday.

Friday – Rest.

Saturday – Cardio.

Sunday – Rest.

So there it is. Just remember, go flat out and make sure that by end of each exercise, you can physically do no more. Be a Gorilla, man.