The Summer's Teachings. Part I

• Coconut Water is Good, Really Good – we already knew it helped with the ol' hangover but when the sun is out and you find yourself beyond parched, this holiest of waters comes into its own. It's largely to do with the Potassium; I like to think it's down to Vita Coco funded witchcraft but hey, I also thought my Teddy bear, infamously named 'Super Pup', had super powers, so what do I know? Also, apparently Vita Coco is from coconuts; thank you Rihanna, another mystery solved.
  
  
• Oil: Not Just For Salads & Strip Clubs – ever wondered why bikini models have a glowing sheen to their skin? The oil they use makes their bodies look longer, leaner and more toned. Grab some Bio Oil from Boots and get filming...sorry, rubbing. Anyway, the oil will soon seep into the skin leaving such a radiant glow that men, women, cats, dogs and my gardener, Bill (who's a man of 31 years marriage, but a budding pervert still), will be rendered speechless at so ethereal a beauty.
  
  
• Don't You Know, Pump It Up – listen to Danzel, he's from Belgium, and pump it up before heading to the beach if you want to look more toned. Don't over do it; don't try too hard, or you'll risk looking like the love child of Peter Andre and Veronica Campbell-Brown...topical Freddie, topical. How do we do this? Do a quick workout (no longer than 45mins) or, if kept hostage by your confidence in some soulless hotel in the Costa Del Sol, try 3 rounds, doing each exercise to failure, of press ups, the dead bug and 'evil jumps' (look them up). No rest in between rounds or exercises. The blood will start to rush through your muscles...ask Arnie what that feels like.
  
  
• Conventional Crunches – still a waste of time.
  
  
• Have a Kit Kat – every one in six weeks, you might want to try cutting your training volume by a third, to increase your chances of avoiding 'niggling injuries'. Don't actually have a Kit Kat.
  
  
• Don't Rescue Fallen Babies – I tried to mother a fallen baby song bird, it did not work. Failure, on an ornathological level or any other, is always hard to take; baby Blue Tits just can't be domesticated. Fact.

The Road to a Flat Stomach: Using The Vacuum

I apologise for the brief hiatus; I found myself caught up in the maelstrom of summer hustle. Anyway, today I thought I'd pay an ode to brevity and talk only about a couple of things you can do to firm your midsection. These aren't thespian esq, gym-based activities that require a plethora of bizarre equipment, but instead require nought but one's bodyweight and call for little huff and puff. They concern, however, two things: the thoracolumbar fascia and the transverse abdominis (TVA).

The foracum...face...what?

Well, the thoracolubar fascia is a deep infesting membrane that covers the muscles of the back of the trunk and the TVA is the deepest muscle in the stomach and wraps around the torso from the front to the back and from the ribs to the pelvis; both are INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to you - acting as God's weightlifting belt for everyday and every-other-day activities. More to the point, if you pay lavish attention to these two tissues, your stomach will be very grateful, specifically you will find yourself rid of that burdensome 'paunch' that no crunch has ever expunged. You know what I'm talking about.

What witchcraft is this you talk of?

Basically we are looking at creating a vacuuming effect around your midsection...a 'corset', of sorts. You can do this by increasing your inter-abdominal pressure through activation of your thoracolumbar fascia. Furthermore, by combining this with TVA exercises, you flatten your stomach even more, as well as stabilize your spine and pelvis.

Asides from a flat stomach, what else is in it for me?

• Increased core stability – not the type that personal trainers try and create by throwing you on a Swiss ball, blindfolded, but true, internal strength (and no, not the type which prevents you from crying at the end of 'Homeward bound: The Incredible Journey'... “Chance!...Chance!”) – which is good for posture, sport and pretty much everything, as you can well imagine.
  
  
• Segmental mobility of the pelvis – allows you to control your pelvis better....ah, mais oui. Most people have a pelvis which tilts up or down (bum out or bum in/excessive curvature of lower back or too little).
  
  
• Decreased risk of injury – it's fairly obvious this one.

What's wrong with the crunch, Jane Fonda does them?

• Shortens the hip flexors – leads to tipping forward of the hips (anterior pelvic tilt), which inturn creates a more protruding belly and decreased sporting performance. Especially for people who work at a desk who will already have hypersensitive hip flexors.
• Hamstring injuries.
• Postural injures.
• Jane Fonda does them.

What does one do about all this palaver?

After warming up, thoroughly, I always throw in the following sequence:

• Bird-Dog – on your hands and knees, kick back your right leg whilst extending your left arm. Hold for 2x20 seconds, then swap arms and legs. Try and keep hip movement to a minimum and squeeze your bum muscle. I clench my fist and sing power ballads whilst doing it as I find it allows for a greater contraction in the back muscles.
  
  
• Plank – squeeze bum and suck stomach in (vacuum). Hold for 2x30 seconds.
  
  
• The Dead Bug – lie on your back with your hands and legs in the air, push your lower back into the ground and lower your left leg whilst lowering (behind your head) your right arm. Stop just before hitting the ground, then slowly return to the starting position. Do 10 repetitions per arm and leg combo, before changing. Repeat twice.
  
  
• Stomach Vacuums – standing up, hands on hips, take a large breath in. As you exhale, suck your stomach in as far possible (visualise pulling your belly button into your spine). Hold this position for 20 seconds, whilst breathing normally but with the stomach pulled in. Try 3 sets of 20 seconds. You can eventually work your way up to 40 second contractions, and, by then, you too will have the waist of a nineteenth century courtesan. Bonjour indeed.

Separate from the workout but useful nonetheless...

• Diaphragm Breathing – it's all connected, so if you can try to focus on breathing from the stomach a little more, your TVA and thoracolumbar fascia will thank you.

Right, that's it. Go forth and reveal your inner Cora Pearl...physiologically first, then see how far up you get.