The Summer's Teachings. Part I

• Coconut Water is Good, Really Good – we already knew it helped with the ol' hangover but when the sun is out and you find yourself beyond parched, this holiest of waters comes into its own. It's largely to do with the Potassium; I like to think it's down to Vita Coco funded witchcraft but hey, I also thought my Teddy bear, infamously named 'Super Pup', had super powers, so what do I know? Also, apparently Vita Coco is from coconuts; thank you Rihanna, another mystery solved.
  
  
• Oil: Not Just For Salads & Strip Clubs – ever wondered why bikini models have a glowing sheen to their skin? The oil they use makes their bodies look longer, leaner and more toned. Grab some Bio Oil from Boots and get filming...sorry, rubbing. Anyway, the oil will soon seep into the skin leaving such a radiant glow that men, women, cats, dogs and my gardener, Bill (who's a man of 31 years marriage, but a budding pervert still), will be rendered speechless at so ethereal a beauty.
  
  
• Don't You Know, Pump It Up – listen to Danzel, he's from Belgium, and pump it up before heading to the beach if you want to look more toned. Don't over do it; don't try too hard, or you'll risk looking like the love child of Peter Andre and Veronica Campbell-Brown...topical Freddie, topical. How do we do this? Do a quick workout (no longer than 45mins) or, if kept hostage by your confidence in some soulless hotel in the Costa Del Sol, try 3 rounds, doing each exercise to failure, of press ups, the dead bug and 'evil jumps' (look them up). No rest in between rounds or exercises. The blood will start to rush through your muscles...ask Arnie what that feels like.
  
  
• Conventional Crunches – still a waste of time.
  
  
• Have a Kit Kat – every one in six weeks, you might want to try cutting your training volume by a third, to increase your chances of avoiding 'niggling injuries'. Don't actually have a Kit Kat.
  
  
• Don't Rescue Fallen Babies – I tried to mother a fallen baby song bird, it did not work. Failure, on an ornathological level or any other, is always hard to take; baby Blue Tits just can't be domesticated. Fact.