I'm Running 100k

It's been around two and a half years since I last wrote anything other than a drunken thank-you letter in which I told my best friend's parents that they were inextricably linked with me, like Bonnie and Clyde. It didn't make much sense. I regret it quite a bit. Anyway, I'm going to run 100k at the end of May - I thought the next few months might be of interest to some of you floating out there in the ether, crushing up morphine and talking to Christian Slater. 

Why?

"Why are you running 100k?!", people ask immediately. I always feel a bit like a fitness Bob Geldof at this point: "Why do anything, man? I just want to encourage the children of Africa to get outside and run more." In reality, I want to travel beyond (no, I'm not talking about the M1 and 'The North'), to see what lies past the point where my legs physically cannot continue, where my synapses are flickering like white noise on a wood panelled TV...in a motel...off a dusty track....near an old cotton plantation. If that thing is a liminal space with Mathew McConaughey holding Winona Ryder's son in it, great. Though, hopefully not.

The Plan:

Lose Weight - for every extra kilo you carry, a fairy dies somewhere...and you also shave around 2 minutes off your marathon time (assuming you weigh 83kg, like me). Do the "math".

Keep Lifting - preventing against injuries and maximising efficiency of movement is absolutely integral to running the best race possible. Strength and conditioning work predominantly geared towards my posterior chain and core will play the main role in this. Wow, that was a serious bullet point. Boobies.

Diet - (this actually doesn't overlap with the first point) eating is going to be all about performance, so expect boring paragraphs about complex carbohydrates. 

Time - is a flat circle. Balancing a work, life and mild-to-downright debaucherous lifestyle is tricky, especially with a full-time job. Yes, personal training is AN ACTUAL JOB.

Mental - sieving through the maelstrom, sorting out the shit in your noggin and arriving at a better understanding of yourself is something we should all do, not just people with halitosis and incense. 

Anyway, I'm rusty and bound to start fucking up my 'i before c's except after d's'. The next post will follow shortly and will be much more useful than this self-indulged nonsense.

How to Deal With Man Flu

I stared death in the face as I began to slide off this mortal coil. I saw a light, Jesus was waiting at the end. He was black, with a nose piercing. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Lenny Kravatz. In and out of consciousness I slipped. The Night Nurse had taken hold. She was a cruel mistress. I saw shapes in the darkness. Shapes that metaphorthasised into the illustrations of my subconscious. Unicorns without horns. Probably just horses. Dragons without wings. Probably just fat lizards. Men with the eyes of children but the tears of a generation, pillaging villages made of marshmallows. But here I sit, well 'n' rosy, tapping away at my typewriter, a survivor of...MAN FLU.

What is Man Flu?

According to Google: noun

informalhumorous

1. a cold or similar minor ailment as experienced by a man who is regarded as exaggerating the severity of the symptoms.
2. 
   
3. "Greg was off sick with man flu, according to his wife"
4. 
   
5. 
   

   Well, Google, you can take your deluded idea of self-importance and blow it into a Google sized handkerchief*, because the influenza virus is in fact SCIENTIFICALLY proven, by real life scientists (not the shady authority that is Greg's wife) to hit men harder than their ethereal female counterparts. This is due, predominantly, to the higher levels of testosterone present in males, which can weaken their immune responses.                                                                                                                                                                                              What to Do When You Have Man Flu (and begin to unconsciously rhyme):

   
   

   1. Echinacea and Vitamin C - only effective when taken before even the first symptoms rear their ugly heads. There is little point in taking the above once Man Flu has taken grip(e). So, in short, you have to be fucking psychic to make this one work. 

   
   

   2. Pills and Syrups - paracetamol, gauifenesin, phenylephrine hydrochloride, pholcodeine, codeine...you name it, take it. Take the lot. Now, be warned, there will be instructions on the boxes of these beautiful beasts saying that you should take a "measured amount". Well, that is the establishment once again dictating your life. You are a testosterone filled (which partly got you into this sticky mess in the first place) individual. You can think, dream, laugh, empathise, cry and experience the richness of life without being told to mind the gap between the train and the platform. So, from experience, it's best to double the dosage of whatever they say. Quite frankly, if a 13 year old child is being told to take the same amount as you, then something is deeply wrong with the system. Also, mix your medicines. Do not stick to one bottle, pill, lozenge. Variety is the spice of life.
   

   
   

   3. Hot Toddy - whisky, lemon and honey (manuka, preferably). To be taken at ANY time in the day. Do not restrict to just the evening - "before you go to bed".

   
   

   4. Water - it'll taste like utter shit, but drink it anyway. Your body consists of 99.9% water...or something like that.

   
   

   5. Menthols - if you must smoke, smoke menthols. Now you know what it's like to be a 16 year old girl again.

   
   

   So, there we go, avoid young children, airplanes, trains - anything with 'public' before it. If you have to work with children, don't touch them. If you must take public transport, be as Asians be and mask-the-fuck-up. Now, go forth and enjoy your Christmas holidays free of sickness. 
6. 
   
7. 
   

*'Handkerchief' is a ridiculous word to spell. If you don't feel silly whilst trying to write it (no one can spell it right first time, obviously) you are dead inside and have bigger, more existential, problems than bad grammar or man flu symptoms.

I Do Two Things, Daily

I do two things, everyday, without fail. They have become ritualised, ingrained 
like concentric layers into my own tapestry. They are things that you may choose to do; you may not. Either way, they are:

1. Run & Walk - we are humans (after all). We are designed to move. Run or walk, 
or do both BUT please move, daily. Walking helps drain your lymphatic system - 
moving lymph through the body, clearing out your body's sewer network; walking 
will strengthen your heart, improve your balance and coordination, strengthen 
bones, increase vitamin D (if done outside - who the fuck walks on a treadmill - 
a preserve of the Bourgeoisie), manage blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. Oh, 
and helps prevent against VARICOSE VEINS. Want to look like a London Tube map? 
Exactly.

Some of you will be reading this from the cosy confines of your local gym, where 
you are placed ceremoniously on a vibrating plate, praying to God that if you 
stay put for long enough, whilst flicking your shaky digits through Zoe Sugg's 
latest work, your body will enter metamorphosis. Not only do you have 
splendiferously awful taste in literature, you are wrong. If you want to lose 
weight, you must move. That is a fact. 

2. Coffee & MCT oil - I wake up, I feed my puppy/small pony (Wilbur), he then 
runs around manically like he's been on crystal meth all night and I turn on the 
Nespresso machine. I put two tablespoons of MCT oil in the bottom of the cup and 
add a double espresso. The following ten minutes are passed in silent, catholic 
ecstasy. Why do I do this, asides for the pure, unadulterated joy? MCT oil is 
comprised of medium-chain triglycerides. They improve cognitive function (help 
prevent Alzheimer's), hormone balance, metabolism, blood sugar and appetite 
regulation. Combine this with coffee and you might feel like you could run for 
President. I will leave it there, do your own research. Do not embrace 
dogmatism. I am not the fold, neither the preacher. My word is certainly not 
gospel.

Keep Calm and Avoid Rehashed Motivational Posters

I stand on the precipice. I don't feel any different but I know I'm there. It's just one reformed thought, a recycled dream, a distorted, Munch flashback. What am I talking about? Stress, man: doing too much; pushing through a continuum and breaking out the other side like a new born foal, weak and reliant. With a few exceptions, stress fucks up progress, be it weight loss, muscle gain, pseudo corporate aspirations or other-worldly enlightenment, stress will bring it all down with a crude, corrosive grace and before you know it, you'll be lying face down in a pool of your own vomit, a halo of Glen's vodka bottles around your head and diazepam packets strewn laissez-faire across the sodden,Travel Inn carpet you now call home. 

Things that happen when one is stressed:

• Chemicals get released (Cortisol)
• Heart rate goes up
• Blood vessels dilate
• Breathing increases
• Sweat production increases
• Metabolism slows down
• Muscles become tense
• Pupils enlarge
• Sex hormone production goes down
• You end up looking like the love child of Margret Thatcher and a bit of bark

This is bad because:

No one wants to come across as a sweaty, sexless, hyperventilating, skinny mess, with eyes like a 90s raver and look that says, "I'm being haunted by roads not taken and/or there is a purple dragon chasing me." But also, it makes it VERY DIFFICULT TO LOSE BODY FAT IF YOU ARE STRESSED. Why? 

CORTISOL

Cortisol is released in the adrenal glands and controls glucose metabolism, inflammatory response, immune function, blood pressure, to name just a few. Cortisol levels are highest in the mornings (hence why 16 hour fasting/skipping breakfast can work for weightloss, as you're not consuming calories when your cortisol levels are highest and, therefore, are most likely to store it as fat).

What positives are there, if any?

Cortisol can give you a quick burst of energy - good when being chased by an actual dragon, blue or otherwise.

Heightened memory functions - good for boardroom presentations or meeting deadlines or...*he pauses, acutely aware that this is as far as his office based empathy travels*

Lower sensitivity to pain - good for sport, and S&M.

What negatives are there? (NB. Some of the following are only brought about after prolonged cortisol release)

Muscle breakdown and fat storing (for the fight or flight burst of energy)

Suppressed thyroid function

Increased abdominal fat 

Lowered immunity

Impaired cognitive function

Decreased bone density

Now, all this sounds rather apocalyptic. It is. Stop stressing so much. 

How?

Insulin spike - take on some fruit and your insulin levels will spike. Insulin negates cortisol. 

Walk - clean up that lymphatic system, get the blood moving and release some endorphins.

Meditation - don some hemp, get the Jo Malone candles out (incense is for the working class), put on the kind of music you'd imagine giving birth to, cross your legs and envelope your senses with existentialism. Or buy a guided meditation from iTunes.

Nihilism - come to the obvious realisation that everything is nothing; that there is a calming absence of truth and reason. But, as Iggy Pop once said, "Nihilsm is best done by professionals". So, make of it what you will...hopefully not that much.

Wake Up and Smell the Butter. Part I

I can smell it, the ambivalence creeping over you, throwing an indifferent haze over what you see and what you can hear. I can see that meth is bad but butter, oh well, butter is the work of the devil; the reserve of the protagonists of Channel 4 programmes. "Saturated fat clogs your arteries and will concrete your soul faster than the expectation of divine reward...brother." 

However, we've been led astray by the people we were told to trust, by a misinformed idea of the big picture, by the corporate beast and all those who have sucked so hard...like a good piggy should. Half-fat this, low-calorie that, it was all one big lie - gold leafed wool that we had pulled over our eyes.  "I see", said the blind man, but fuck does it hurt, as through a sea of corrosive dogmatism, you realise that it wasn't light you were being led to, certainly not a land of milk and honey, no, it was a room full of men telling another room full of men how to make the other room richer...at your expense. Monkeys, jacking off other monkeys.

So, what the fuck am I talking about (if you haven't clocked on yet)???

The fact that we have been led to believe that low-fat was better, that margarine should be poured onto toast in the mornings, that eggs were bad (thanks Kellogs for that, you twats), that we should move away from what we were Paleolithically designed to consume, and head towards what some lab rat with a Lamborgini created. 

That's it. I just wanted to sow that seed. More will follow, but I suggest you start reading around. No, it's not cheating. I'll get over it, in spite of my wonderfully deluded idea of self-importance.

Anyway, I leave you with this from J.F.K:

"Too often we hold fast to the clichés of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

The Beach

Some of you have already floated away from our sunny shores, filled your bags with half-price flip flops, disposable cameras and feigned at faux culture-vultering, trying to understand the exotic from a 'pre-drink' filled apartment block. The rest, well, you might still be gearing up for the August get away. Those destined to traipse around plaza del who-gives-a-fuck-anymore, can walk away unscathed and oblivious, but the rest, you lucky few, who will be running the sandy gauntlet should pay attention, because you can walk down a beach, seemingly constipated by self-doubt and crushed by the crowd or you can trot over the sand like a show-pony with a mane of gold, hooves of steel, feeling like Ryan Gosling in a nunnery and with a look in your eye that say, "Prince George is in fact my child".

"But it's too late, man, it's all too god damn late - I've missed the show, the bus left dude, I'm off tomorrow!!!" Relax, Frankie, this is about last minute touch-ups; it's about the tricks, the illusions. It's all one forgazi, 'one big dream that you had inside a locked room'. A dream of being anybody, an accretion of sense and emotional experience designed to assure us that we are each SOMEBODY. So stop worrying so much. Anyway...

How?

Option #1. Become a show-pony with the aforementioned attributes.

Option #2. Do the below:

1. Don't eat salt: too much salt + liquid = water retention = not a good look. "Put the nuts down darling."

2. Don't eat foods that make you bloat: processed foods, cruciferous vegetables (look it up), sugar substitutes, too many carbs, legumes and carbonated drinks, to name a few.

Foods that relieve bloating: cooked vegetables, melon, citrus fruits, pineapple, low sodium foods water, yoghurt and tea.

3. Stomach vacuums: inhale deeply then exhale and pull your belly button as close to your spine as possible, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. Keep breathing.

4. Stand in front of a mirror, naked: know you good parts and the bad - show off the former and hide the latter - get used to what you see. I hold the Daily Mail solely responsible for infecting the minds of the fairer sex with poisonous aesthetic expectations and deluded ideas of perfecting the subjective. "You're a strong, confident women, in charge of your destiny. You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul". 

5. Eat bananas - filled with potassium, they'll prevent cramps (due to the decreased sodium levels) and bloating. Happy days.

6. Pump it Up: Do a light 5 minute circuit prior to hitting the beige blanket, to increase, temporarily, muscle toning. I suggest 3 sets, no rest, of as many reps as possible of: press ups, reverse crunches, plyometric jumps and bicep curls (I know, I know...I hate myself as well) with a suitcase or exercise band. Also, listen to this song whilst you do it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c_v_AfMWhJU

7. Red, Red wine: I don't want to endorse this too much, so you'll have to do your own research on this fruity number. But it does work. Oh no, I've said too much. Must..stop...typing..sjchdjsjd#*€|.$

8. Stand up straight: posture is everything. It doesn't matter if you're a size six with a six-pack, if you posture is bad, you will lose MAJOR points. Confidence is contagious.

C'est fini. Now go and reenact THAT Top Gun beach scene. You know which one. Yes you do. Exactly. No, you stop it. Fine, I'll hang up.

Besos.

Marriage

Placing delicately to one side the idea that marriage is the religious confirmation of love between two spouses, you can see that actually the socially or ritually recognised union between to entities is ever present. Marriage is literally....everywhere. How magically yummy. Below are a few of the unions I've plucked from life's rich tapestry of symbiosis. 

1. Apple & Dark Chocolate - antioxidant+ anti-inflammatory = a cardio defending, fitness boosting extravaganza. Some say it's as, if not more effective than drinking Gwyneth Paltrow's blood. Buy good dark chocolate, the kind that makes a statement in Waitrose: "Oh, this? What do you mean? 'How do I eat 85% dark chocolate'?...Because you're Palaeolithic and I'm basically one step away from harnessing solar energy and flying to Mars on a spaceship made of cashmere - I'm literally THAT much more advanced than you."

2. Kettlebell swings and Kettlebell goblet squats - posterior chain and anterior chain, done in the most complete of movements. Heart rate rockets, core is taken care of and you're left with the posture and sporting prowess of a unicorn. Fact.

3. Banana & Peanut Butter - I've been having this before every race I've ever done. It tastes like God's vagina and gives you the kind of energy that you can only recall having as a kid, after eating a pack of Haribo whilst watching Power Rangers and smoking crack. Simple carbs + potassium + niacin + good fats + protein = energy stabilising super snack. All the cool kids are doing it.

4. Spinach & Lemon Juice - 2 billion people are deficient in iron. Decrease your risk of a stroke, reduce fatigue and increase recovery time and eat some bloody spinach. Citrus on spinach aids with the absorption of iron so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The End.