I'm on a quest for a
suitably generic, inoffensive and yet authoritative term to address
my bootcamp group with. So, I've made a list. Under each suggested
name is a 'pro', followed by a riposting 'con'...
“Girls”:
Pro:
Suggests fun – Cyndi Lauper was right.
Con:
It really is just a teeny-weeny, ickle-wickle bit patronising,
wouldn't you say? Of course you would.
Pro:
Implications of youth. If you say it enough, they WILL believe it.
Con:
Implications of youth. What would the BBC say if they found out I was
making “girls” do the plank?
Pro:
Less despotic.
Con:
Bootcamp is not a democracy.
Pro:
Makes me feel like one of them - “Come on girls let's really push
ourselves on this one.”
Con:
Makes me feel like one of them - “Come on girls let's really push
ourselves on this one. What? Shut the FRONT door! He said what to
you! Like you don't just, like, do all the washing and the kids just
magically appear at school...I mean do we look like wizards, do I
have a beard?”
“Ladies”:
Pro:
It's traditional - I guess, really, it's the equivalent of gents.
Con:
It sounds like something found in a golfing newsletter - “On the
3rd of this month, a Thursday, the Ladies trickled down to
Royal Windy Hill Golf Club. Threesomes were generally adhered to,
although the odd foursome did break out. Despite taking quite a
beating, the Ladies thoroughly enjoyed themselves. A special mention
goes to Mrs. Thompson-Glover for her tremendous handling of the
rough.”
Pro:
One can effectively shout it.
Con:
Seen on the front of a toilet door.
“Women”:
Pro:
Biologically accurate.
Con:
Misogynistic when used to address large groups of...well...women.
Pro:
Certainly not confusing and thus possibly revealing...“well, we
always said she looked a little xxy.”
Con:
Increases odds of receiving physical abuse during bootcamps.
“Wifelets”:
Pro:
Makes me feel like the Marquees of Bath.
Con:
I don't own a zoo.
Con:
Wifelets fight, a lot:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2002248/Police-called-Longleat-wifelets-brawl-gets-sleep-Marquess-Bath.html
.
Con:
Wifelets have been know to 'immaculately conceive'
(http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2002810/The-Marquess-Baths-wifelets-immaculate-conception-catfight.html
).
“Bootcampers”:
Pro:
Gender indifferent.
Con:
Only really works when drawled in a North American accent - “Great
work there Bootcampers, way to go! You guys are smashing it today! I
love God!”
“Guys”:
Pro:
It's a term that now appears to encompass both sexes...the bisexual
of addresses (greedy).
Pro:
Can be used for both the young and old.
Pro:
Can be shouted.
So,
it seems that we have a true winner. There really doesn't seem to be
anything not to love about guys. From now on I am definitely sticking
with guys. 'Women', 'Ladies', 'Girls', 'Wifelets' and even
'Bootcampers' (that was a weird stage) are all dead to me.
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