Just a Quickie: 18 Minutes Well Spent

   Right, today's piece is fairly bare. I won't loiter around with literary self-absorption, just briefly let you know that you need a clock or timer for this, along with a weight – preferably a kettlebell – and something stretchy – a fitness band. We're really focusing on posture and lifting your metabolic rate, so don't meander around; indifference will get you nowhere. The actual workout is no more than 18 minutes so please push yourselves hard.

Warm up:

   As per usual...

• 5 minutes of cardio (starting at 4 and finishing at 7RPE – Rate of Perceived Exertion).
• Dynamic Stretching: 20 x squats, lunges, half press ups, leg swings, heel flicks and arm rotations.
• Glute Activation: Hold the plank and bridge for 3 sets of 20 seconds, each.

The Workout:

You will be doing 45 seconds work, with 15 seconds rest/time to prepare for the following movement. Do 3 rounds, please. In block capitals, at the end of each bullet point, is the explanation for why you're going to do the exercise.

• Swings (load up your hips, not your back or quadriceps; squeeze your bum after snapping your hips forward). Use a challenging weight. This works your posterior chain.
  
  
• Plank Climbers (keep your hips as still as possible; don't drop your bum). Tightens your core.
  
  
• Vertical Swings (this is tough, so start with a light weight; power comes from the hips). Hits whole body and sends HR through the roof.
  
  
• “Jump Around”..'s (House of Pain did, you should to. Jump forwards, backwards, laterally, just keep your chest up). Strengthens knees and will push you into oxygen debt (see post regarding this).
  
  
• Elastic Band Rows (squeeze your shoulder blades as you pull the band). Corrects posture.
  
  
• Alternating Curtsy Lunges (“It's Ma'am as in ham, not ma'am as in palm,” so look lively, keep your shoulders  back and pointing forwards throughout. If you're using a weight, and I would, keep it at chest height the whole time and don't let it drag you forwards).  Works abductor muscles in glutes; great for toning lower body.

If you are unsure about your form, in any way, get some tuition.

Warm Down:

• 5 mins gentle cardio.
• Extensive stretching – holding each one for a minimum of 10 seconds.

The Signature Dish: An Ode to Mary

“What should I eat now?” is a question I hear a lot after exercise, and quite rightly so. Although tempting, getting bogged down in the minutia leads to a colourless existence. Do think about it, just not too much - don't let food control you, because before you know it you'll be sharing seaweed and flaxseed oil smoothies with Lindsey Lohan in The Priory.

What We're Looking For:

• Protein – eggs, pulses, meat, fish, nuts. Please keep it local.
• Carbohydrates – the cavemen lovers will start to clench at this, but, post exercise, you want some carbs to aid with the recovery. Think outside of the packet and embrace a world filled with sweet potatoes (mashed with butter and parsley or slow roasted with other veg), kidney beans and quinoa (pronounce how you see fit. No, that's not how you say it). Try to break free of a bloated bread addiction, your stomach will thank you – aesthetically and physiologically.
• Veg – don't worry yourself too much about which ones to eat, if you're eating them, then you're on the right tracks. Steam, flash fry, slow roast...just don't boil for a decade or microwave. Grate and eat raw e.g. grated carrots with roasted pine nuts, sultanas, spring onions, lots of olive oil, seasoning, lemon juice, bit of paprika and a touch of chilli. “What, you fancy a little feta cheese in there as well?....Go on.” Cheeky.
• Fruit – don't go crazy, they are still high in sugars. Reserve for straight after workouts.
• Fats – yes. They're very important for hormones, brain activity, your CNS, appetite regulation, energy, absorption of Vitamins and Minerals...just do it, as Nike used to say. I have a tablespoon of coconut oil and peanut butter everyday and I've lost three dress sizes in the last two months. I know, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

That's a lot of self-indulged, gonzo camp information to digest, I know, but do try and wade through the tides of narcissism and make sure you get all of the above in your post exercise meal. Still confused? Luckily, I have a signature dish ready:

It's a lentil dish that has served me well, it will do you good too. If Mary Berry ever found out about this, she'd stop cooking, for ever.

“Lovely Lentils”

What's inside: Puy lentils (lentils are high in protein, fibre and offer slow release energy), bacon (bought from a butcher), goats cheese, parsley (or basil), onions, garlic, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, sun blushed tomatoes and spring onions. I'm not going to tell you quantities, you can work it out yourselves, just don't go crazy on the bacon and cheese.

What to do:

1. Put lentils in pot, bring to boil and let simmer for 20mins or so. They're done once the lentils start to split, slightly, and can be squeezed between thumb and forefinger. Drain and leave in colander; you don't want a soggy lentil.
2. Slice up garlic and throw in large pan with olive oil. Chuck in nonchalantly diced onions soon after. Add a splash of balsamic. Season well. Don't burn the garlic.
3. Chop bacon up, roughly, and put it in the pan. Let it cook before moving on.
4. Sun blushed tomatoes in. Lentils in...the more the merrier - this is a lentil dish, not a bacon and cheese one. Warm through for 5 mins. Don't let it go mushy. Season again.
5. Take off heat and add chopped parsley (lots of) and spring onions, stir, then place goats cheese on top. Don't stir from now on.
6. Drizzle with plenty of olive oil.
7. Season, again.
8. Look smug.
9. Eat with a fresh rocket and watercress salad.

I'm not looking to preach, rather invite you to start thinking about these sort of combinations and get a feel for what your body ought to be enjoying. The recipe is a little Mediterranean but do have a wander into more Moroccan, Lebanese or Israeli territory (Otto Lenghi is a great place to start).

Running: What To Do When You're Not

   Whether you're a marathon runner, are just running the marathon or simply like to bath in the euphoric retreat that placing one foot after the other, repeatedly, can offer you, it's in your interests to pay attention...

   Running is rather taxing on the body, no surprises there, so it's important to iron out the creases. No one likes creases. Creases will turn into crumples, and sooner or later your thousand-count Egyptian cotton bed sheets will be strewn across the floor, resembling more Ikea show room than Persian palace.

   So, we're looking at increasing strength in the right places, addressing posture, strengthening ligaments and tendons and working your core, all to allow you better running technique, less susceptibility to injuries and improved performance. This is what needs to be done:

Warm up:

• Skipping for 5 minutes – it strengthens the tendons down below, you'll get accustomed to landing on your forefoot and get the blood flowing. Jog on the spot if you don't have a Kermit the Frog skipping rope lying around from the 80s.
• Dynamic stretches: squats, lunges, press ups, leg swings, arm rotations.
• Glute activation: plank, bridge, the lying angel (also called, less ingratiatingly, 'The clam'”).

The Workout:

• Bulgarian Split Squats – sounds complicated but is essentially a one-legged squat with your other leg supported on something behind you. Keep your chest up, shoulders back and don't let your knees track inside or over of your toes. 15 reps per leg.
  
  
  
  
  
• Romanian, Single-legged Dead-lifts – keep your back straight and take your time. I would do this one barefooted – for stability, feeling and activating your foot muscles. Yes, Eastern Europe developed most of these exercises. Eat less, exercise more and look great: Communism. 15 reps per leg. Only use a light weight once confident.

                                   

  
  
  
  
• Single-leg Hip Thrusts - 15 reps per leg.

  

  
  
  
  
• Single-leg Hops – hop forwards, backwards, laterally and transversely, keeping a neutral spine. Try 30 seconds per leg, build up to a minute before adding weight.
  
  
• Bent-over Reverse Flies – use a 50cl Evian bottle, if needs be. Keep your back straight and squeeze your shoulder blades together (imagine trapping someone's hand between your shoulders...yes, in a creepy way). Try 15 reps.
  
  

  

  
  
• Plank – once you can hold it for 60 seconds, start lifting up one leg and holding it up (contracting your glutes in the process). Still hitting the minute mark? Try lifting your opposite arm and leg. You will now look positively balletic, congratulations, or quite ridiculous, in which case you need to work on your normal plank a little more.
  
  
• The Super Man Exercise – lying face down on the floor, lift arms and legs. Think happy thoughts...you're doing it Peter! Hold at the top for 2 seconds, before lowering. Try 10 reps.

Perform the above TWICE, at least once a fortnight. There's also no need for rest between sets and remember to keep your form at all times; this is not a race. Bon voyage.

Warm Down:

• 5 mins gentle skipping or stationary jogging.
• Extensive stretching - hold each one for at least 15 seconds.

   Please do the warm down properly or you'll risk injury and your friends' abuse of the term 'irony'.

What To Eat When You're Expecting...DOMS

   Your legs hurt, you've been limping around Waitrose for the past half hour searching for their grilled artichoke hearts, apparently it will add “depth” to your Niçoise. You exercised yesterday, so why the denim-covered discomfort today? Well, you've got 'D.O.M.S' – Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. In spite of this being a rather neolithic acronym, it hurts, and not in the fifty shades fashion. So, if you're still lowering yourself onto the loo seat, despite stretching, pay more attention to what you eat afterwards. Like with the Jelly Babies, I'm just going to tell you what I do:


Banana & Peanut Butter

   Either on wholemeal toast or the 'Meet Joe Black' method, peanut butter has plenty of protein, fats, Vitamins E,B6&3, magnesium and potassium*. Then you've got all the joy from the banana and the slow release, low GI carbs of the wholemeal bread. I've used this recipe since I was fifteen; my hair is voluptuous, my manner vivacious and one of the Kardashians actually asked me “like omg, like seriously, what moisturiser do you use?” I know crazy.

Chocolate Milk

   You can make it or buy it anywhere. It really does the trick; the scientifically proven, perfect thing to have after training. It contains just the right ration of protein to carbohydrates (1:3). Don't worry too much about choosing dark chocolate as the medical world is unsure as to whether large amounts of milk negates the antioxidants. Do, however, go for full-fat milk – your system is able to better absorb the calcium...oh, and saturated fat IS GOOD FOR YOU. Please, please, please read something on the matter. I will be thrusting a thesis de gloire down your low-fat throats, regardless, in the next few weeks.

Dark Chocolate

 Be pretentious, not prudent, and buy some chocolate with at least 70% cocoa solids, hand picked by South American children...that wear gloves made of cashmere. The chocolate is then attached to doves, one bar per bird, and flown across the Atlantic, where you, yes you, can eat a couple of pieces to help fight the free radicals you have floating around your body post exercise. True story.


   There you have it. Next time you find yourself wondering what to do after a couple of Jelly Babies and sixty minutes of bootcamp fun, give the above a whirl. I usually go for the peanut butter, followed by the dark chocolate but the chocolate milk has worked a treat in the past – it's not a great image but how else will you reach the artichokes?



*Vitamins E (antioxidant) & B6 (immunity) & B3/Niacin (converting food into energy, like the other B's do, as well as circulation and hormone regulation), magnesium (bones) and potassium (helps against cramps, muscle fatigue, dehydration). 

Balance Below the Belt

   We all want to strut down a high-street, heads held in the heavens, smug grins sweeping across our faces, bums like organic baby tomatoes - we've just done some exercise, we feel better than the endorphinless rabble that brush beside us. However, be warned, this honeymoon phase will be short lived if you neglect the delicate question of proportion; bench-press bunnies belong in Puerto Banus, we all know that, but a world filled with knee pain, back ache and tangible cubism awaits you if don't stop and think about how your arse and hamstrings are doing. 

Quick Anatomy Lesson: 

   The front half of your body (quads, chest etc.) is called the 'anterior chain' and the back half (bum, hamstrings, trapezius etc.), the 'posterior chain' .

Posterior Problems Below the Belt:

• Knee pain – can be caused by an imbalance between the quadriceps (front of thigh) and the hamstrings (back of thigh).
• Poor posture – if you have weak bum muscles, it effects the angle your torso makes with the ground, which leads me onto...
• Anterior or posterior pelvic tilts – your hip tilts forwards or upwards, respectively. Creating a neutral position enables the glutes to sit in a position of greatest potential leverage (good for running, jumping, walking optimally).
• Shin splints.
• Injury susceptibility – often found in those who are 'quad dominant' (when you squat, do your knees track over your toes and your heels begin to lift?).
• Decreased metabolism – neglecting a muscle group misses out on firing up another fat burning furnace (apologies for Men's Health vocabulary), especially if that group is your glutes.
• It just doesn't look right – you walk with an air of adolescence, bordering on timidity not aristocratic indifference.

TODAY'S SESSION...it's not easy, your metabolism will go through the roof afterwards and your bum will feel like it got a starring role in 'The Shawshank Remption'.

Warm Up: As stated in 'How To Look Good Naked'. Remember, the emphasis is on glute activation – you have been wallowing in a world of 'glute inhibition', throw off those arsey shackles.

The Workout: Do 45 seconds, with 15 seconds between, of each exercise. Do 3 rounds. That's 21 minutes work. Do not stop for a break.

• Reverse Lunges & Overhead Reach - right leg steps back only, holding a light weight overhead with your RIGHT hand (keep the arm locked out throughout, chest up and stomach tense).
  
  
• Reverse Lunges & Overhead Reach - left leg steps back only, holding a light weight overhead with your LEFT hand.
  
  
• Kettlebell Cleans (right hand) – use a weight you could do 20 reps with.
  
  
• Kettlebell Cleans (left hand).
  
  
• Single-leg Hip Thrusters (right leg) – really drive up through your heels.
  
  
• Single-leg Hip Thrusters (left leg).
  
  
• Kettlbell Swings (you can use a dumbell if you haven't a kettlebell) – use a weight you could do 20 reps with.

You could, if you so desired, swap the 'Kettlebell Cleans' with 'Single-leg Dealifts'.

Warm Down: Gentle cardio for 5 minutes, followed by extensive stretching.

DO NOT SKIP YOUR POST WORKOUT MEAL AFTER THIS, YOU'RE BODY WILL NOT THANK YOU – IT IS OF NO BENEFIT WHATSOEVER.

We Need To Talk About...HIIT

   We've talked about this before, we'll probably talk about this again, in fact, everyone who reads a health column in any publication will have talked about this: High Intensity Interval Training. If you have a problem with your vowels, you almost definitely should not talk about this.

WTFIHIIT?

   Essentially, it is a form of cardiovascular training that incorporates short bursts of high intensity with sometimes, but not always, longer intervals at a low intensity. It can be applied to anything: running, rowing, squatting, boxing, jumping etc.

Paint a picture for us Freddie, please...

   The following is done on an exercise bike...

• 30 seconds at 5 RPE (Rate of Perceived Exertion - I apologise for these acronyms; it appears we can not escape the claws of pseudo-communication. Thank you Hank)
• 20 seconds at 7 RPE – this is the preparation stage: you should be getting up to speed, moving up the gears, increasing resistance, so that come the end of the 20 seconds you are flying – don't waste two of the following ten seconds catching up, it's not cool, man.
• 10 seconds at 10 RPE – you can not physically be going any faster, the resistance is up and you should be struggling, really struggling.
• Go straight back into the 30 second period, without stopping, and repeat the minute sequence FIVE times, cycle gently for two minutes, then repeat another FIVE times.
  
  
  OR
  
  
• 40 seconds at 5 RPE
• 20 seconds at 10 RPE
• Repeat FOUR times, cycle gently for two minutes, then repeat another FOUR times

   Now, for this to work you have to go 'hell for leather' during the 10 second burst, otherwise you are nought but another gym sheep, ensnared by the monotonous rhythms of elliptical life, destined to keep your heart rate at a steady 60%; the grass is absolutely greener on the other side. Ba-ram-u...

Porqui is it good for moi?

• You use your anaerobic and aerobic energy systems, which means you are often exercising without the use of oxygen - that hurts after a while but strengthens you heart considerably. Bonjour lactic acid. Pedal through the pain, please.
  
  
• Very good for sport – supplement it for a usual run or swim (whatever be your poison) and reap the rewards.

• It has been shown to burn your adipose tissue (body fat) 50% more effectively than steady cardio.
  
  
• You get the 'after-burn' – as we've discussed before in 'Oxygen Debt & Other First World Problems', this means you burn calories long after you've finished, for up to 24 hours after.
  
  
• You don't need equipment: you can run, jump, burpee...so long as you go 100%.
  
  
• Preserve muscle – good for metabolism and shape (looking good naked).
  
  
• It's not easy – good for the soul.
  
  
• Endorphines – good for feeling like you've wrestled a bear, naked, then swam with dolphins.
  
  
• Time – good for making it. The workouts above, including warm up and down, should whip no more than 20 minutes from your lives. Fact.

   I have barely scratched the surface of HIIT, so do have a deeper dig on-line  I shall also post other HIIT workouts in due course; for now I feel emotionally exhausted. I will instead rest on a bed of pedals and allow my dreams to float off into visions of florescent Lycra and energy systems, make of that what you will Freud.

Why We Should Have Babies

   Beware the congestion surrounding what, when, how and why you should eat, it's polluted by inaccuracy and riddled with physiological and psychological pitfalls. So, I won't mess around with this one: food is really good. Do not ruin that with misplaced and/or misguided preoccupations. So, in keeping with this new-found brevity, I'm going to tell you why I eat Jelly Babies after I exercise.

"Why the babies Freddie?"

• Your body releases cortisol when it is stressed. Exercise is a form of stress. Elevated levels of cortisol leads to muscle wastage and fat storage (particularly 'visceral' abdominal fat).
• Insulin counteracts cortisol. 
• You release insulin when your blood sugar levels increase, this happens when you eat something sugary.
• Jelly Babies contain sugar.
• Eat three (not a pack – you know who you are), within fifteen minutes of exercising (no later, if possible) – you'll kiss goodbye to cortisol and also replace some of your glycogen stores, thus escaping the immediate and delayed clutches of fatigue.
  
  

   So, in short, keep Jelly Babies in your glove compartment, for after exercise...and bribing children.

Looking Good Naked...

   Your bum is of major importance. Neglecting your bum holds fairly large aesthetic ramifications. I am now going to walk you through the rise and fall of your Rear Empire. Below each description is an explanation of what and where you went wrong, take heed – skim read if needs be. If you've already started to float, ethereally drifting away from these pages, then you need only know that what follows will help you look better naked. Fact.

Stage.1.

   You enjoy working out. You have always worked out. You warm up, sure, generally spending a couple of minutes on the cross trainer getting in the zone, thinking everyone else is listening to 'Raspberry Beret' by Prince, before doing a few stretches. You've heard stretching is good.

(You fail to activate your bum muscles. You NEED to switch on your core muscles, of which your bum is one of twenty-nine. If you're using them all properly you will see an improvement in: posture, sports performance, calorie expenditure and the “firmidity” of your bum. Also, you didn't perform any dynamic stretching...shame on you.)

Instead, please do:

• 5 minutes cardio – start slow, finish moderately/sweating
• 3 minutes dynamic stretching – squats, leg swings, arm rotations, walking lunges with torso twist etc.
• 3 minutes glute activation – 3 x 20 seconds of plank, the bridge and the clam. 
  
  
  IF THE BRIDGE ISN'T A PART OF YOUR LIFE, MAKE IT!

Stage. 2.

   You work out for forty-five minutes at a leisurely pace: twenty on the bike and twenty-five on the treadmill.

(You will indeed burn calories but your 'after-burn' shall be almost non-existent; better short and hard then long and...relaxed. Your running technique is compromised, as you failed to carry out dynamic stretches and glute activation – you're leaning too far forward and tilting your bum back and up.)

Stage. 3.

   You always like to do a couple of sit ups, you know, to tone up the stomach a little – you're not eighteen any more. You try and stretch but spend most of this time getting caught up in your noise-cancelling earphones, like a freshwater salmon. No one ever got in a tangle during that 'BeatsbyDre' advert.

(You only work the 'show muscles'. You haven't worked the TA muscle (Transverse Abdominus).

What is the TA muscle?

...essentially a belt that runs around your waist (almost), underneath all the 'show muscles'.

And if I neglect it?

You have a much harder time maintaining a flat stomach and run the risk of back injury.

Which means?...

...you probably have a slight paunch when you relax. If you want to get into those short shorts, paunch free, and beat Apollo Creed (any other black man with velvet voice will suffice) in a beach race, then work ALL your core muscles, fool. I could give you names, but use some initiative and have a gander online, please. OK, fine, start with 'Dead Bug' and for God's sake, push your stomach into the floor.)

In summary:

If you activate the glutes and make proper use of your TA muscle, then you will look better naked. 

Punch Like a Girl

   The Olympics have changed everything for those who knew nothing. Woman's sport, take a bow. Nowhere else was this more deserved than in the ring: Nicola Adams, asides from being culturally significant, was technically masterful, brilliantly aggressive, encompassing, for me, the words of Jack Handley: “boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.” The latter point is a stubborn pill to swallow - probably born out of Lower Palaeolithic desire and an unnecessary need to protect woman, take that away from us and what else is there, save picking berries?

   Regardless of all that jazz, I have my very own Hilary Swank, which means that I feel not unlike Clint Eastwood...would feel if he had a hairless chest, enjoyed ALL of Prince's albums and moisturised regularly. We train three times a week. Here is a workout, modified for those without an Eastwood at hand:

Warm up: As per usual. Incorporate skipping, if possible and shadow boxing.

The Workout:

Heavy Bag Work

• 3 x 3 minute rounds, 1 minute rest between rounds, (concentrate on lateral movement and punch combinations).
• 4 x 1 minute rounds, 1 minute rest between rounds, (focus on power boxing; almost continually hit the bag; lead with hooks and crosses when possible).
• 5 x 30 seconds punch-outs, 1 minute rest between rounds, (non-stop punching – stand square to the bag; go flat-out; focus on speed not power).

Combo's For Dummies (hello double entendre):

• Jab, cross.
• Jab, jab, cross.
• Jab, cross, left-hook.
• Jab, cross, left-uppercut, cross.
• Cross, left-hook, cross.
• Jab, cross, left-hook to body, left-hook to head, cross. (Good for learning to shift your hips).

BUT REMEMBER: IT'S NOT WHAT PUNCHES YOU THROW, IT'S HOW YOU THROW THEM - USE YOUR HEADS, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WHY YOU'RE DOING IT.

A Few Things To Focus On:

• Keep your hands up and shoulders down. If there's tension in your neck and shoulders you will tire out quickly and lose fluidity with your shots.
• Strike the bag with your knuckles – there should be a straight line from your middle two knuckles, to your elbow, on impact.
• Don't cross your feet – don't let either foot step over your mid-line or you'll compromise balance.
• Plant your feet when punching – no bouncing whilst punching, in fact, no bouncing at all.
• Rotate your hips.
• Combinations rely on the transference of weight between your front and back foot. Practise the jab, cross, left hook, cross, and now have a think about where your weight should be moving.

Warm down: thoroughly with an emphasis on stretching out your trapezius and deltoid muscles.

TWENTY-FOUR

I won't spend to too long flowering today's session. You need only know that the actual time spent working out shall be a fleeting twenty-four minutes - quelle surprise. "Ah, parlez-vous Français?"..."Pffff, ouais, parce que je le vaux bien.”

Warm up: thoroughly – you ought to be breaking sweat by the time you start – see suggested routines in preceding article/s.

The Workout:

Each exercise is to be performed for 45 seconds. You have 15 seconds rest. Complete 3 rounds. No resting between rounds.

• Single arm, KB (kettlebell) Clean to Front Squats (left hand), (push hips back to ensure KB travels in straight line).
• Single arm, KB Clean to Front Squats (right hand).
• Dynamic Squats, (look ahead/gaze thoughtfully throughout).
• Double-handed KB Swings, (don't swing above eye level or you'll load up your lumbar spine...lower back).
• Plank Climbers, (minimal movement at the hips, please).
• KB Vertical Swing, (be careful when close to failure).
• Renegade Rows, (make sure you suck your stomach in).
• Bastardos (Burpee with a press up)

With all the movements that require a KB – even the renegade rows can be done on a KB – use a weight that you can comfortably complete 20 reps with. If you have no idea what that might be, spend a little more time practising these exercises.

NB: Power comes from the hips; squeeze your core (your bum is part of that); maintain a neutral spine – your vertebrae should be the Switzerland of back-bones.

Warm down and stretch off thoroughly. I could wang on about this closing ceremony but, instead, I will just say say this: if you don't warm down, gradually bringing your heart rate back to normal, you run the risk of blood pooling, which, on a purely aesthetic level, can lead to VARICOSE VEINS. So, I think I speak for all of you when I say “non, non, non, mon chéri". Furthermore, you may also feel dizzy; you will be that person drifting vacantly across the gym floor, casually colliding with sweaty onlookers. These oh-so-very-sweaty onlookers will almost definitely be thinking: “OMG, just look at those varicose veins, it's like a child has drugged their parent, drawn ALL over their legs, ordered a taxi and then had them driven to this gym” - don't be her/him. I 'wanged', I apologise: "sorry for stopping you turning your thighs into London Tube Maps."

Next: "Boxing: just a sport for men...and Hilary Swank?

"Tabata: more than just posh bread?"

It's raining again but at least it isn't snowing. Unfortunately, the rain subjects unwitting souls to the confines of elliptical trainers and the narcissistic theatrics of grunting gym goers. This need not be the case ladies and gentlemen...

What You Need:

For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to say use a six-pack of Evian water (50cl should do the trick, or 1L for the experienced), but if you do possess any other form of weight, be my guest. You will also need a clock, any sort of clock: from Ikea, Habitat (yes, they still exist) or even M&S.

What You're Doing:

Tabata training. No, that is not a type of bread found in that “adorable delicatessen down the road...with the home-made goats cheese....what?...yes, of course the goat is happy.” Anyway, Tabata training is essentially all about playing around with your lactate threshold whilst increasing your VO2 max (maximum amount of oxygen you can take in). Furthermore, it slips neatly into the currently popular HIIT school of thought – High Intensity Interval Training – which decrees that doing a couple of minutes exercise flat out is better for you than meandering around at a gentle pace for an hour. There are lots of interesting and varying arguments to be read in journals (not the Daily Mail) on this subject so, if you've reached the 45^th profile picture on facebook of your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, stop the Damien Rice CD, put down the Phish Food, burn the questionable onesie and have a read...also, you're better off without someone who has over 45 profile pictures.

So in short, you will be working for 20 seconds at 100%, then rest for 10 seconds. This 20/10 combination will be repeated 8 times for each of the exercises listed below. Rest a minute between each one.

The exercises (subject to change, should you so desire):

• Jumping alternating lunges - keep your shoulders back and chest up.
• Press ups (go to half press ups when you reach failure and please do remember to squeeze your bum and suck you stomach in).
• Russian twists (with the aforementioned French weight) – keep your head still, this will free up any tension in the thoracic spine...the top part.
• Burpees (or, if you truly despise them, 'mountain climbers') – make sure there is full extension at the bottom of the burpee.
• Sob gently, safe in the knowledge that no one else can see you... .

Drink plenty of water and try to complete roughly the same reps in your first 20 second interval as in your last one (you won't but try nonetheless).

Warm up and down thoroughly, you ought to have broken into a sweat by the time you start. If you're at home, the easy way to warm up is to don many layers (cashmere gilets are a must), jog on the spot for a couple of minutes and follow the warm up I posted yesterday. By the time you're done, you'll be as sweaty as an inappropriate simile. A warm up is exactly that – warming your muscles up – so use your AGA (hello Surrey), your warming cupboard or have a shower first, then do it...the warm up.

Just on a finishing note: please, please, please don't be half hearted with these 20 second bursts. If you don't give 100%, the system doesn't work; don't play with the system, man.