TWENTY-FOUR

I won't spend to too long flowering today's session. You need only know that the actual time spent working out shall be a fleeting twenty-four minutes - quelle surprise. "Ah, parlez-vous Français?"..."Pffff, ouais, parce que je le vaux bien.”

Warm up: thoroughly – you ought to be breaking sweat by the time you start – see suggested routines in preceding article/s.

The Workout:

Each exercise is to be performed for 45 seconds. You have 15 seconds rest. Complete 3 rounds. No resting between rounds.

• Single arm, KB (kettlebell) Clean to Front Squats (left hand), (push hips back to ensure KB travels in straight line).
• Single arm, KB Clean to Front Squats (right hand).
• Dynamic Squats, (look ahead/gaze thoughtfully throughout).
• Double-handed KB Swings, (don't swing above eye level or you'll load up your lumbar spine...lower back).
• Plank Climbers, (minimal movement at the hips, please).
• KB Vertical Swing, (be careful when close to failure).
• Renegade Rows, (make sure you suck your stomach in).
• Bastardos (Burpee with a press up)

With all the movements that require a KB – even the renegade rows can be done on a KB – use a weight that you can comfortably complete 20 reps with. If you have no idea what that might be, spend a little more time practising these exercises.

NB: Power comes from the hips; squeeze your core (your bum is part of that); maintain a neutral spine – your vertebrae should be the Switzerland of back-bones.

Warm down and stretch off thoroughly. I could wang on about this closing ceremony but, instead, I will just say say this: if you don't warm down, gradually bringing your heart rate back to normal, you run the risk of blood pooling, which, on a purely aesthetic level, can lead to VARICOSE VEINS. So, I think I speak for all of you when I say “non, non, non, mon chéri". Furthermore, you may also feel dizzy; you will be that person drifting vacantly across the gym floor, casually colliding with sweaty onlookers. These oh-so-very-sweaty onlookers will almost definitely be thinking: “OMG, just look at those varicose veins, it's like a child has drugged their parent, drawn ALL over their legs, ordered a taxi and then had them driven to this gym” - don't be her/him. I 'wanged', I apologise: "sorry for stopping you turning your thighs into London Tube Maps."

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