How to do a Press Up

I don't wish to linger, lecture or rant, just ever-so-quickly say a few words on the press up. Some people call it a push up, in fact, sometimes, so do I - I don't really care, to be honest. The press up is timeless, never looses value or significance - the tailormade suit of the fitness world - we've been using it to win drink, dates and debates for centuries. I bring it up, why? Because people invariably do it badly - "Bad form!" (Hook, 1991).

Signs you too fall, unceremoniously into the pile of people flapping around helplessly on a gym floor, feigning emulation of this most celestial of movements:


1. The Exhibitionist - your bum is in the air, willing those around you to take a 'cheeky' glance. "Seriously, just one look. Please, please look at me." The reason you do this is, in addition to a desire to be recognised/loved that is deeply rooted in the lack of attention you experienced during your adolescence, is because your core is either weak or you are unwilling to give it the chance to show otherwise - as my headmaster said, after walking in on our dazzling dormitory performance of 'Cats', "straighten up!" Fuck you. I want to sing...I want  (*he pirouettes*) to dance! Also, why are you in our dormitory, sir? Oh.

2. Groin Grazing - quite in contrast to the exhibitionist, you prefer to swing low; the 'housewife breast stroke' technique of the press up world. Men be warned: exhibiting the groin grazer in a bar-based bet, is NOT a good image. You quite literally look like you are trying to stimulate yourself, using the floor; you come across (*giggle giggle*) not only as man incapable of performing a press up, but also as a young dog that hasn't been neutered, which has recently discovered a rug, in a bar, "God, what a great rug. There must be a vagina located in this rug! Somewhere! Where are you strange rug vagina?!"

 

3. Loose - your neck and upper back is loose and slack, lacking scapular control - try to focus on squeezing your shoulder blades together (holding a pencil between them) - don't free-fall - control the movement - think about pulling yourself to the ground. You are a strong, confident woman/man and very much the captain of your destiny! Or something like that.

4. Saggy Back - your lower back sags. Pull your belly button in and contract your glutes - you should see your body instantly straighten up. The strain is now on your core, not your lumbar spine...phew.

So, we see what appears to be very similar problems - they will look different but are, nonetheless, equally detrimental. Now, there are many variations but with all of them, these rules apply:

1. Pull your stomach in.

2. Squeeze your glutes.

3. Straighten your tailbone - imagine it being pulled towards your feet - this help with excessive curvature at the lumbar spine.

4. Keep your legs straight - your body should resemble a plank. 

The following is how I do them:

1. Hands are positioned in line with my sternum - tucked in not flared out dramatically.

2. Scapula is squeezed together.

3. At the bottom of the movement my lower and upper arms FORM A 90 DEGREES ANGLE - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! 

Below is almost perfect, save that she's put her spine out of neutral by staring intently at an approaching squirrel.

 

This one is very close but she ought to pull her tailbone towards her feet and pull her stomach in more to stop that slight dip at her lumbar spine.

Right, go forth and get practising.

Gym Tips, Nothing Else

Gosh; a hiatus 'n' a half it has been. A lot has happened. I won the race; I lost a stone; I've an addiction to mixed nuts after discovering 'One-stop' sell them brazilliantly low; I now make nut jokes; I manage a health club; I have decided to continue my extended morning fasting phase.

"Sorry, you MANAGE A HEALTH CLUB???"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

So, rather than bathe further in the L.E.D lighting of self-glorification, it'd be in everyone's interest to bring up my initial thoughts on running a gym. Let's, for the moment, look at the top five GLARING mistakes people make in the gym:

1. Nobody warms up - bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I will reiterate that point for the champagne gym goers out there: bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I know. I know. Let it sink in. Give it a while.

2. Le Crunch - it's not the 80s anymore, crunches are a waste of time. Why? Because you work half of one of your 29 core muscles, you compress you hip flexors, which effects your posture and gait, your stomach will go out not in as a result and you'll burn almost no calories in the act of doing so. So, stick to compound and rotational exercises: the Russian twist or the Dead Bug is a good place to start. "But, I don't know what the Dead Bug.....

"Look it up, you prick."

3. Time is of the Essence -

Me: "Good workout?"

Layman: "Yea mate, was solid. Smashed out a good two hour blast, like a bad babysitter with my boyfriend in the shower making two bucks an hour. And what?!"

By working out for longer than 60 mins, you've successfully triggered the production of cortisol (a stress hormone that breaks down muscle and makes your body store energy as fat), essentially doing the equivalent of writing in invisible ink, driving on ice, swimming in a current or building a bungalow in Somerset. Keep it under an hour, including warm up and warm down, to avoid over-doing it.

3. Ministry of Sound - their radio station (Ministry of Sound Radio, incidentally) is really, probably, more than likely to be the best choice of gym music. Start creating playlists and shit gets subjective - 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling' is a great song, I mean a GREAT song, but gets mixed result at 7pm on a Friday evening (mainly stragglers wringing out t-shirts soaked in tears and self pity).

4. Put it Away - if you can't successfully complete 30 pushups, executed with perfect form, then please stay away from the weights. Look at gymnasts and dancers. Do you look like that? Exactly. Start using your bodyweight more.

5. Male Attire - below are the only acceptable times when men may wear Lycra:

In the Winter Olympics
At a festival
In the Tour de France
If you're in the music industry
On ice
In a velodrome
If you name is Cathy Freeman
In the actual Olympics
In a club, between the hours 2-9am
In a circus

The Ten K: Coconut oil, Coffee and Weight Loss

I have lost a stone. A stone is a little over six kilograms.

Jasleen is a German baby born this year, she weighs six kilograms and has been crowned the largest baby born in Germany...ever. Below is a picture of the beautiful Jasleen. 

I know, she's a.) not that beautiful and b.) fucking massive. But, it does put things into perspective...I've lost a lot of weight and German babies are getting bigger - is that something we should be keeping an eye on?

Anyway, how on earth have I lost a stone?

I mentioned that I would be plunging into the nauseating depths of portion control. Well, I've taken the Heydrich approach to this and now I no longer eat breakfast. Consequently, my fasting period has now lengthened from a regular eleven hours (time between supper and breakfast) to around seventeen hours. My insulin levels remain low throughout - insulin tells your body to store fatty acids, not burn them.  Avoid unwanted insulin spikes, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't I want to break down and sob uncontrollably?

No more than usual - I get through the aforementioned period of fasting with the help of COFFEE and COCONUT OIL.

OMG WTF??

To encourage my body to use fat as a first choice energy source, to keep full, to maintain healthy hormone levels and improve my cognitive function, I add TWO TABLESPOONS of coconut oil to the large double espresso I have every morning. The coffee is taken within 30 minutes of me waking up so I don't like feeling hungry before drinking it. Within five minutes of finishing, I feel satiated and filled with more energy than an eight year old girl, at a One Direction concert, with ADHD, eating crystal meth.

Has this effected training?

It hasn't made me a faster runner but it hasn't made a slower one, either. In terms of difficulty, I don't feel that working out is more difficult - there are anomalies to this, but that will be coupled with other variables, such as sleep.

Feeling tired?

I don't feel tired and as long as I don't sit there, mourning the loss of an earlier breakfast (breaking-the-fast) like some Spanish widow, then I tend not to feel hungry. Yes, were you to try this, you may experience the rare and fleeting hunger pang but GET OVER IT - losing weight is not all sunshine and rainbows - sometimes, just sometimes, you are going to have to feel a little uncomfortable - a Syrian refugee, an imprisoned Suffragette or a Japanese prisoner of war have/had serious grounds for complaint...you absolutely do NOT.

Why coconut oil?

1. It's good for the brain - read up about the research that is going into the correlation between this oil and the prevention of Alzheimer's - 50% of every cell membrane in your body is made up of saturated fat - do the maths.

2. It raises the metabolism.

3. It keeps you full.

4. Helps prevent type 2 diabetes - it protects against insulin resistance.

5. Controls weight - especially abdominal fat - for the same reason as above.

6. Stops the cravings - have spoonful of coconut oil, not something carbohydrate based and stay fuller for longer.

7. It's good for the skin.

So, there we have but a brief pretext on the wonders of coconut oil. So, try putting a teaspoon in your coffee at first (your body needs to ease into it) and work your way up to TWO tablespoons. Please do message me if you have any questions, not reservations...I except you will have those. Oh, and make sure that throughout the morning you drink lots of water, ideally ice cold.

- My training information will follow shortly -

The Ten K: Lost Time is Never Found Again

I've lost a kilogram. I am not worried. There is approximately 25 days until race day. I am now a little worried. "Oh shit", said someone, once, probably French. My training is going well and the contents of my diet are near perfection. "I must have a thyroid problem, yes, that's it. It was likely brought about by all the stress I've been burdened with lately; the kids have broken up and I feel that the nanny isn't pulling her weight. The Polish have always been suspect to lethargy." But alas, I know the real answer: portion size, and that means I have to cut it. So, if you see a shadow of a man/boy drifting through the Surrey undergrowth of endless Waitrose car parks and Range Rover Evoques, with a glint-less eye and unconvincing smile, it's me. Hello.

(NB. The diet pointers and training I spoke of in the preceding posts are all water-tight. Losing a kilogram in two weeks is a pretty perfect rate of weightloss...it's only that I have urgent dreams to attend to and there is a sledge of shit dragging behind me.)

Adjustments made:

1. 'Freddie, the multivitamin days.' - As I'm cutting calories and increasing training volume, I've bought a top notch multivitamin from Solgar (see below, obviously). It's the one you take twice a day; the one-a-day ones are so heavily loaded with 'B Vits' and Iron, that it makes it near impossible to absorb everything, hence why when you take them, like a Japanese schoolboy, you too are greeted by radioactive pee. Bring on 2020.

                                                       

2. 'Dulling the senses' - No, I've not yet succumbed to the bottle's deep, resonating allure, but instead have added a Swedish touch to my plate. The more foods and flavours you have on your plate, the more you will eat. Fact. Ever been to a buffet? Well, nor have I, but I'm told your eyes betray you. So, be like an Ikea kitchen and don't chuck everything on there. Thinking that some humous and maybe a quinoa dish will also go with your mashed sweet potato, tuna steak and avocado salad is all marvellous but it is TOO much. Just because it's healthy doesn't mean it belongs on your plate.

3. 'Finishing with a flourish' - I'm now adding 2-4 quick hill sprints to the end of my runs. It doesn't matter whether I've done a thirty minute 'tempo run' or an hour and twenty minute 'long run', the sprints will follow. If the race comes down to the last 5 minutes, I will have been there before. Death, taxes and hill sprints, said no one, ever.

4. 'Once more to the track' - track running gives rusted technique a good lick of paint; a bad gait or a drifting arm is cruelly exposed when running on the flat, around and around and around in a circle. Did you know that Tirunesh Dibaba can ONLY turn left? Anyway, I'm going to be doing 400 metre repeats tomorrow - that's 400 metres completed within 80 seconds, repeated 10 times, with a 200 metre recovery distance in between each 400 metres. I warm up extensively for this little gem...that means lots of dynamic stretches and few plyometrics to get my central nervous system and my muscles firing on all cylinders. Why 400 metres? It plays around, ruthlessly, with all the energy systems. Therefore, you ought to leave the athletics track a tad distraught, but with aerobic, anaerobic, ATP-PC and lactic energy systems to be revered. Phew, what a lot of energy systems we have...we're positively brimming with'em. (NB. This style of training is applicable to many other disciplines. For example, swimming....yes, swimming...James C..Harry...swimming....Bueller?)

5. 'Call me George Clooney' - I'm drinking a fantastic amount of Nespresso coffee. You should too. See this post for reasons why: http://justbootcamp.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/coffee-before-exercise-just-do-it.html. 

So if If you're ** years old and you are still not drinking coffee, you need to waltz down - though non-coffee drinkers are loathe to waltz, preferring a morose 'traipse' - to a Nespresso shop, nod warmly to the poster of George Clooney, allow his omnipotent gaze to bear down on you and buy a coffee machine. It will be THE best thing you ever do. Your first house, kids, a car, a toothbrush, food for your pet, food for your children are all transitory in comparison to a Nespresso coffee machine. 

Anyway, I must dash. Ciao

The Ten K: Diet Pointers

I'm not going to faff around on this one. Here are some diet bullet points that i will be adhering to over the course of the next few weeks. More will follow.

1. I don't count calories. Each person is genetically individual, therefore you each have differing ways of handling micro and macro nutrients - one calorie of white rice may be used/burned differently in a woman from Vietnam than a man from Greenland; find what your body is most comfortable with (gluten tends to make me feel lethargic and bloated, for instance). Furthermore, to count calories makes for rather a vapid existence, and often drags you into unhealthier psychological realms - don't ruin your relationship with food.

2. I eat when I'm hungry, not when my appetite, often dictated by the Gregorian calendar and external stimuli, insist I do. Drink a glass of water if you think you're 'hungry' - thirst is easily veiled - and wait for 30 minutes after eating to see if you are in fact full.

3. I always have a small piece of very dark chocolate at the end of the meal, handed to me on a tray fashioned out of integrity and respect, always accompanied by an espresso if it's at lunch, obviously...darling - this helps stop the release of ghrelin, the hunger hormone, as it signals a close to the meal. If this doesn't work, brush your teeth. 

4. I have something sugary post exercise (see blog on babies) and then eat within the hour. This meal always has carbs, to aid recovery, in it. Generally the carbs consist of either sweet potato, quinoa, lentils, legumes (black beans, butter beans, kidney beans etc.) and every now and then potatoes or rice noodles (good for Asian dishes). Look up Otto Lenghi for foody inspiration.

5. I'm not afraid of fat. If you've ever dieted and excluded fat, then you too will empathise with the crushing hunger and relentless fatigue that forever hangs from one's shoulders during so cruel a period. Fat is fucking fantastic, l defy anyone to increase their fat intake (only good quality fats need apply - coconut oil, fat from mackerel, extra virgin olive oil and beef, lamb, pork from a butcher etc.) and not see a difference in mood, cognitive function, sex drive, general demeanour and increased use of alliteration. 

6. I am the like the child from 'The Sixth Sense' but instead of dead people, I see sugar. It's not the same but it has it's moments. That means when you order a 'totes delish, über yummy mango salad from this, like, UNbelievable (and yet believable) retro-vegan, salad bar, run by this super-cute lesbian couple from Sierra Leone', I am aware that what you saw as a no carb, charity salad that you just HAVE to tweet about -#sierraleonesaladsareasbadastheirwarcrimesomg - I see as a sugar-laden, pretentious carb festival, without wrist-bands. Beware of sugary dressings and elusive salad dwelling fruits. Stick to lemon juice, mustard, olive oil etc.

The finishing note: If you are strapped for culinary ideas, stay true to this trusty combination...

Bake a sweet potato, steam some vegetables, throw in some pea shoots, rocket and watercress and then add either chicken thighs cooked with lemon and garlic, pork loin cooked with Moroccan spices (Ras el hanout etc.), salmon fillets with parsley, butter and lemon or even a ribeye or fillet steak. Be aware of portion control though...there is no shame in not finishing a plate of food (apparently).

More training intricacies to follow next week...

Sent from my iPad

The Ten K

This was meant to have been released last Friday but hey, here it is...

I have entered into a '10K'. I am 6ft 2", have the hair of a Disney heroine and the manner of an Edinburgh based, Giant Panda, but I weigh 14 stone. Running for extended periods of time and carrying weight is not a match made in heaven. Mo Farah looks like Naomi Campbell did in the late eighties and is now, arguably, Britain's greatest ever athlete. What I am loosely trying to say is, I need to lose some weight. I tell you this not because I see this white screen as a diary to pour out the inevitable arrival of hunger fuelled, hormonal thoughts ('How many voicemail messages are 'too many'? Why can't I still pull off baby blue!?') but rather to articulate what I'm doing to get race fit and whether it's working. Today's piece will give but a broad outline of what I'm up to; the intricacies of dieting and training will be approached at a later date.

That What I 'Av Done This Week & Why

Monday - A long run. I ran for an hour, wearing my Vibrams and a disturbed look that said, "drinking rum until four on a Sunday morning, is one of THE biggest mistakes modern athletes make today...that and bad footwear...but mainly the rum." Why do this? To allow muscles to adjust to continuous strain, thus promoting muscular endurance.

Tuesday - A shortish run at race pace (the 'tempo' run). I went galloping around the countryside with my brother for forty minutes. We met a Golden Retriever puppy along the way. The sound of two young men/boys shrieking, "PUPPY!", was heard across county borders. Why? Because we LOVE puppies. Why do this? To get used to desired racing speed - it shouldn't be an abstract gear when race day arrives.

Wednesday - Bootcamp. I joined in the bootcamp that day and thus I too flipped tyres, swung kettlebells and worked on creating 'internal abdominal pressure' for an hour. I wore a paisley patterned headband throughout...the day. Why do this? Although the tyres were unnecessary, the core work will promote a stronger running form; if you're weak in the core, your posture falls apart, you can not utilise your glutes effectively and your gait will deteriorate.

Thursday - Boxing. I had a PT session with 'Will'. We tend to always box on a Thursday. All of it is partner based. If Will has a long city lunch, he tends to get hurt. Silly Will. Boxing and skipping strengthen the Achilles' tendons and your calves - both are rather important now that I'm running barefooted. Furthermore, it's important to throw in another form of cardio whilst training for a particular event. Smash the status quo 'n' all that.

Friday - Interval Training. Today's interval training was hill sprinting. Myself and 'James' (James is training for a 'sprint triathlon' that his fiancé entered him into; a glimpse of married life. Silly James) did twelve sprints in total. The distance varied from sixty to three-hundred metres. James weighs  twelve and a half stone. I spent most of the time staring at James' bum (because I was a touch slower...and I wanted to..."Like two baby tomatoes they was"). I felt like passing out and throwing up simultaneously - is that even possible? We ate loads of Jelly Babies. Running hills increases your aerobic capacity like you probably would believe.

Saturday - Will be spent swanning around the garden, discussing Syria and this year's lavender renaissance. These sort of discussions are done because they allow for a broader endurance to blossom...and lavender is the shit. Word.

Sunday - Will be spent distributing surplus food to homeless shelters in and around south London. Or...will be spent crying because I have a hangover and I feel like squirrel is hammering away at my eyes with a small but very real hammer.  

In short, I have increased cardiovascular exercise and decreased resistance training...kissing away the bulk and embracing the mashinist within.

Next week we shall discuss the beloved diet and all that jazz.

Raising the Metabolism

There exists a daily dietary struggle and internal turmoil that rests like a crude rock of insecurity in the pit of every woman's stomach - no one is safe, no one is exemplary. Blame it on the media; blame it on the Middletons; or blame it on your mothers..."she always made me feel fat. Yes, that was almost certainly her intention." It matters not, it is what it is. Now, one can scribble furiously in the back pages of a Hello Kitty diary, fuming that Jenny has an over-active thyroid and you don't, or one can start putting a little consideration into what one eats and how one lives. Today, we shall look at the metabolism and how you can give yours a secular kick. Heed the advice below, and you too will have the resting metabolic rate of an eight year old boy on amphetamines.

Thyroid attention - zinc, copper, selenium and iodine (especially if you are pregnant - congratulations, by the way) are all integral to the prosperity of your thyroid. The thyroid controls how quickly the body uses energy, makes proteins and manages how sensitive the body is to other hormones. Neglect your thyroid and in time you'll soon be fighting your weight, whilst losing your muscle and feeling like you have the hormones of an aspiring runway model. Yes, I watch Britain's & Ireland's Next Top Model (BINTM)...Naomi to win, she's just - like - soooo gorgeous and - like - totally owns the camera/a camera. Don't be a chubby BINTM contestant, they don't exist; eat more seafood and/or more nuts and look after that thyroid of yours.

Join the resistance - if you have more muscle on your frame, your resting metabolic rate will increase. You needn't be a bodybuilder to partake in resistance training. "No ladies, you will not look bulky and over muscled, for the hundredth time...have a look on-line at female bodybuilders - that is the body you will build if you train for two hours every day, eat chicken every two and a half hours, ingest enough pills to make Conrad Murray frown and top things up with enough human growth hormone to bring a badger back to life. Stop fretting and start lifting.

Water - drink plenty of it. The metabolic process needs water to fuel it. Add ice and your body has to work harder to warm it up, which means a temporary increase in your metabolic rate. Happy days.

Spice up your life - chillies, black pepper, cumin and even cinnamon, cardamom, nutmeg and ginger all play their part. Cayenne and black pepper works best, I find, as they contain capsaicin and piperine, respectively. Thermogenesis is what it's all about. 

Exercise early - do as as Rocky does and try and get in a bit of exercise first thing. Short and intense works best *dramatic pause followed by muffled laughter*. Warm up for five minutes, go hell-for-leather for ten minutes and warm down and stretch for another five minutes. Make that ten minutes HIIT filled and say bonjour to a soupçon du oxygen debt; your metabolism is now akin to a race horse's. Ney, indeed....ney, indeed. Now go down those eggs. Adrian!

This is enough to get you started with, for now. Bonne chance mes petites fleurs. Mange tout, mange tout.