3 Things You Ought to Know

   Wheat is a waste of time – it causes bloating, fatigue, aggravates our intestines, inhibits absorption of certain minerals and vitamins (mainly as a result of hybridized wheat), contains a starch called amylopectin A, which turns into sugar more efficiently than any other carbohydrate, including table sugar and is arguably the main cause of insulin resistance.

There are those of you out there who will say this:

“Yeah, but I 'literally' don't think I could go without bread in my life.”

To you gluten filled pessimists, I say this:

“Bread is not Argentine Malbec and French Brie, fresh linen sheets and Eiderdown duvets, Exile on Main St. and Jura Prothecy or Clinique face wash and Nivea's pro-collagen moisturising cream. You would not take wheat to a desert island with you. Bread and circuses were for the people, now we have Hendrick's gin and Daft Punk.

    ViPR training should be a part of your life – if you can afford a membership to a decent gym or shed out £130 on an 6kg ViPR, then do it. The functional movement patterns allow for continuous resistance, proprioception, balance training and should give you the core of a Russian gymnast, before the wall collapsed and democracy ruined everything. So, if the monotony of 'body pump' has been slowly chipping away at your resolve, you're fed up with listening to pitiful house music whilst being yelled at on a spin bike, then release your inner Diane Youdale (Jet from Gladiators) and look up ViPR training.

   Maths – do it. Drinking what you want is fine so long as you do the maths, roughly. A pint is about 200 calories, a proper glass of white wine, 160 calories, and a double G 'n' T, 175 calories. Do not do your or anyone else's maths at the bar. Do not discuss this with people at the bar, it is unbecoming. “Thank you for telling me my glass of Sauvignon Blanc is the equivalent of eating a whole cheesecake.”said no one, ever. So, if you are eating and drinking liberally, then exercising once or even twice a week is not enough. There are a lot of imperatives in this paragraph, don't ask why.

I will now finish on a letter I wrote the other day...

Dear All Women/Ladies/Girls of Bootcamp,

You all believe that you can multi-task. The vast majority will indeed be capable of this gender specific trait.

Discussing the weather in Majorca is talking. Talking and exercising is not multi-tasking. If you are not one of the following, then please refrain from doing so:

1. You are a meteorologist.
2. You are in the band Travis.
3. You are Bear Grylls.

Your Faithfully,

Freddie

PS Did anyone leave a baby behind on Monday? Small, smiles a lot and almost definitely a girl, but I've been wrong before.