Dealing with Dionysus

There's a misconception, a distortion. I don't live off dust and other people's aesthetical despair; I don't sleep with a kettlebell under my pillow, on a bed of old Pilates mats and dream of a distorted world, based on the utopian vision of a Davidoff advert. I also hate Topman, it makes you look like you've sauntered out of a student union, having eaten a turgid microwave meal made of fustian Indy music - also, who has a size 26 waist, asides Jagger and Leto? I do, however, like the edge - where one can best dangle tired legs and ponder abstruse oceans.

Last weekend saw an ascendency into a Bacchian familiarity and all it's seraphic trappings. As the most brilliant, Hunter S. Thompson said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

So, what do you do when you fall out of bed, into a pool of someone else's dignity, your head now hosting a tiny squirrel inside it, hammering away at your cerebellum with a small but very real hammer, playing scrabble with your synapses and God with your thoughts? You stop crying; try this instead...

Step 1.

Drink a large glass of water with a Dioralyte sachet in it - rehydrate and replenish.

Step 2.

Take an over-the-counter painkiller without acetaminophen - alcohol meddles with how the liver processes acetaminophen - taking it could lead to liver damage.

Step 3. 

Eat Burnt Toast - Carbon helps filter impurities, which is why people hospitalised for alcohol poisoning are forced to take a carbon - often it's pumped into their stomachs - lovely - remember kids, alcohol is bad! NB. You can buy charcoal pills from Holland & Barrett.

Step 4. 

After four hours or so, drink some coffee. "But coffee will dehydrate me even more," He whined deplorably. Wrong, you have to consume, at the very least, around 300mg of caffeine for it to act as a diuretic. So unless you're drinking three cups in a row, relax Frankie.

Step 5. 

With the caffeine now pulsating through your jaded body, go exercise. This is what I would do:

a.) Jog/walk/cycle for 15 mins.

b.) Carry out dynamic stretches but leave out core activation as I'd feel dizzy.

c.) Do 3 sets of 10 half press ups, frog crunches and reverse crunches.

d.) Jog/walk/cycle for 15 mins.

e.) Do 3 sets, with an exercise band, of single arm rows and standing Russian Twists - 15 reps per arm/side.

f.) Walk for 5 mins and stretch.

g.) Look as smug as Sean Penn winning an Oscar.