I like long walks in the park, the colour blue, knitting baby clothes for abstract children, reading books with more pictures than words, swimming using breast-stroke legs and front-crawl arms. Wait. Stop. This is all transitory, man. Why? Because...you can just smell it - not the freshly cut grass that's been churned up with dog faeces, forming a finite supply of grass-poo humous for the children to run around on - no, not that, but the fear. Alarm bells are going off. People are running around, a combination of endorphins and anxiety congealing into one unique expression that's etched temporarily across their faces. SUMMER IS COMING. It promises tank tops and bikinis, short-shorts and string vests (maybe not for everyone), even floaty summer dresses. Do you know what a floaty summer dress looks like when it just doesn't float? A dress, a normal dress. Exactly, a fucking disaster, darling.
There are options. You can blossom with a refreshing indifference to the suffocating, venomous, totalitarian demands of the vogue infused media, one glorious 'fuck you' to society. OR...you can wake up and get to grips with reality. Reality and it's understanding will slide you into that Mikoh bikini like a Kardashian on ephedrine.
What reality holds for the next two months:
1. Move - make sure that each day you are moving for at least 2 hours. Walk to station and back (30mins), gym/running/spinning/swimming/power-walking/badger baiting (1hour) and an additional meander (30mins) - done. If David Cameron can see a personal trainer, or run, you can too. That is a fact.
2. AA Meetings - are not something you need worry about, just try and skip the booze for at least 5 days a week. I know, I'm really, really sorry. Fine, if you must: vodka, lots of fresh lime, soda water and a cocktail umbrella.
3. Gluten - I'm not even going to entertain this with an explanation, just don't eat it. "But what about cakes? I really love cakes." Brilliant, I really love opium and colonialism but the times have changed and now I too with it. Or...Brilliant, I really love whipped cream and silk scarves but if you're trying to get a PGC in teaching, you can't blog about it anymore. Or...Brilliant, I really love drawing unicorns and mermaids in compromising positions, but if you want to be a CEO of a major insurance company, you've got to stop sketching them in board meetings. There. I hope you get it now.
4. Plank - each morning, wake up, roll effortlessly out of bed and hold the plank for as long as you can. Once you can reach 60 seconds, start showing off - lifting a leg or arm or both. Do 2 sets of this per day.
5. Vacuum Packed - start optimising that internal abdominal pressure that I so love to wang on about and do at least 3 stomach vacuums in a day: breathe in, exhale, as you exhale pull your belly button as far into your stomach as possible (imagine trying to touch your vertebrae), keep breathing whilst holding your stomach in, now squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. Hold for at least 20 seconds. If in doubt, look this exercise up.
6. The Gospel - If it doesn't fuck or grow from the ground, please don't eat it. Does bread grow from the ground? No. Does, sliced ham fuck? No. Etcetera etcetera.
More rules to come.
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