I stand on the precipice. I don't feel any different but I know I'm there. It's just one reformed thought, a recycled dream, a distorted, Munch flashback. What am I talking about? Stress, man: doing too much; pushing through a continuum and breaking out the other side like a new born foal, weak and reliant. With a few exceptions, stress fucks up progress, be it weight loss, muscle gain, pseudo corporate aspirations or other-worldly enlightenment, stress will bring it all down with a crude, corrosive grace and before you know it, you'll be lying face down in a pool of your own vomit, a halo of Glen's vodka bottles around your head and diazepam packets strewn laissez-faire across the sodden,Travel Inn carpet you now call home.
Things that happen when one is stressed:
- Chemicals get released (Cortisol)
- Heart rate goes up
- Blood vessels dilate
- Breathing increases
- Sweat production increases
- Metabolism slows down
- Muscles become tense
- Pupils enlarge
- Sex hormone production goes down
- You end up looking like the love child of Margret Thatcher and a bit of bark
This is bad because:
No one wants to come across as a sweaty, sexless, hyperventilating, skinny mess, with eyes like a 90s raver and look that says, "I'm being haunted by roads not taken and/or there is a purple dragon chasing me." But also, it makes it VERY DIFFICULT TO LOSE BODY FAT IF YOU ARE STRESSED. Why?
CORTISOL
Cortisol is released in the adrenal glands and controls glucose metabolism, inflammatory response, immune function, blood pressure, to name just a few. Cortisol levels are highest in the mornings (hence why 16 hour fasting/skipping breakfast can work for weightloss, as you're not consuming calories when your cortisol levels are highest and, therefore, are most likely to store it as fat).
What positives are there, if any?
Cortisol can give you a quick burst of energy - good when being chased by an actual dragon, blue or otherwise.
Heightened memory functions - good for boardroom presentations or meeting deadlines or...*he pauses, acutely aware that this is as far as his office based empathy travels*
Lower sensitivity to pain - good for sport, and S&M.
What negatives are there? (NB. Some of the following are only brought about after prolonged cortisol release)
Muscle breakdown and fat storing (for the fight or flight burst of energy)
Suppressed thyroid function
Increased abdominal fat
Lowered immunity
Impaired cognitive function
Decreased bone density
Now, all this sounds rather apocalyptic. It is. Stop stressing so much.
How?
Insulin spike - take on some fruit and your insulin levels will spike. Insulin negates cortisol.
Walk - clean up that lymphatic system, get the blood moving and release some endorphins.
Meditation - don some hemp, get the Jo Malone candles out (incense is for the working class), put on the kind of music you'd imagine giving birth to, cross your legs and envelope your senses with existentialism. Or buy a guided meditation from iTunes.
Nihilism - come to the obvious realisation that everything is nothing; that there is a calming absence of truth and reason. But, as Iggy Pop once said, "Nihilsm is best done by professionals". So, make of it what you will...hopefully not that much.
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