How to Deal With Man Flu

I stared death in the face as I began to slide off this mortal coil. I saw a light, Jesus was waiting at the end. He was black, with a nose piercing. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Lenny Kravatz. In and out of consciousness I slipped. The Night Nurse had taken hold. She was a cruel mistress. I saw shapes in the darkness. Shapes that metaphorthasised into the illustrations of my subconscious. Unicorns without horns. Probably just horses. Dragons without wings. Probably just fat lizards. Men with the eyes of children but the tears of a generation, pillaging villages made of marshmallows. But here I sit, well 'n' rosy, tapping away at my typewriter, a survivor of...MAN FLU.

What is Man Flu?

According to Google: noun

informalhumorous

1. a cold or similar minor ailment as experienced by a man who is regarded as exaggerating the severity of the symptoms.
2. 
   
3. "Greg was off sick with man flu, according to his wife"
4. 
   
5. 
   

   Well, Google, you can take your deluded idea of self-importance and blow it into a Google sized handkerchief*, because the influenza virus is in fact SCIENTIFICALLY proven, by real life scientists (not the shady authority that is Greg's wife) to hit men harder than their ethereal female counterparts. This is due, predominantly, to the higher levels of testosterone present in males, which can weaken their immune responses.                                                                                                                                                                                              What to Do When You Have Man Flu (and begin to unconsciously rhyme):

   
   

   1. Echinacea and Vitamin C - only effective when taken before even the first symptoms rear their ugly heads. There is little point in taking the above once Man Flu has taken grip(e). So, in short, you have to be fucking psychic to make this one work. 

   
   

   2. Pills and Syrups - paracetamol, gauifenesin, phenylephrine hydrochloride, pholcodeine, codeine...you name it, take it. Take the lot. Now, be warned, there will be instructions on the boxes of these beautiful beasts saying that you should take a "measured amount". Well, that is the establishment once again dictating your life. You are a testosterone filled (which partly got you into this sticky mess in the first place) individual. You can think, dream, laugh, empathise, cry and experience the richness of life without being told to mind the gap between the train and the platform. So, from experience, it's best to double the dosage of whatever they say. Quite frankly, if a 13 year old child is being told to take the same amount as you, then something is deeply wrong with the system. Also, mix your medicines. Do not stick to one bottle, pill, lozenge. Variety is the spice of life.
   

   
   

   3. Hot Toddy - whisky, lemon and honey (manuka, preferably). To be taken at ANY time in the day. Do not restrict to just the evening - "before you go to bed".

   
   

   4. Water - it'll taste like utter shit, but drink it anyway. Your body consists of 99.9% water...or something like that.

   
   

   5. Menthols - if you must smoke, smoke menthols. Now you know what it's like to be a 16 year old girl again.

   
   

   So, there we go, avoid young children, airplanes, trains - anything with 'public' before it. If you have to work with children, don't touch them. If you must take public transport, be as Asians be and mask-the-fuck-up. Now, go forth and enjoy your Christmas holidays free of sickness. 
6. 
   
7. 
   

*'Handkerchief' is a ridiculous word to spell. If you don't feel silly whilst trying to write it (no one can spell it right first time, obviously) you are dead inside and have bigger, more existential, problems than bad grammar or man flu symptoms.

I Do Two Things, Daily

I do two things, everyday, without fail. They have become ritualised, ingrained 
like concentric layers into my own tapestry. They are things that you may choose to do; you may not. Either way, they are:

1. Run & Walk - we are humans (after all). We are designed to move. Run or walk, 
or do both BUT please move, daily. Walking helps drain your lymphatic system - 
moving lymph through the body, clearing out your body's sewer network; walking 
will strengthen your heart, improve your balance and coordination, strengthen 
bones, increase vitamin D (if done outside - who the fuck walks on a treadmill - 
a preserve of the Bourgeoisie), manage blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. Oh, 
and helps prevent against VARICOSE VEINS. Want to look like a London Tube map? 
Exactly.

Some of you will be reading this from the cosy confines of your local gym, where 
you are placed ceremoniously on a vibrating plate, praying to God that if you 
stay put for long enough, whilst flicking your shaky digits through Zoe Sugg's 
latest work, your body will enter metamorphosis. Not only do you have 
splendiferously awful taste in literature, you are wrong. If you want to lose 
weight, you must move. That is a fact. 

2. Coffee & MCT oil - I wake up, I feed my puppy/small pony (Wilbur), he then 
runs around manically like he's been on crystal meth all night and I turn on the 
Nespresso machine. I put two tablespoons of MCT oil in the bottom of the cup and 
add a double espresso. The following ten minutes are passed in silent, catholic 
ecstasy. Why do I do this, asides for the pure, unadulterated joy? MCT oil is 
comprised of medium-chain triglycerides. They improve cognitive function (help 
prevent Alzheimer's), hormone balance, metabolism, blood sugar and appetite 
regulation. Combine this with coffee and you might feel like you could run for 
President. I will leave it there, do your own research. Do not embrace 
dogmatism. I am not the fold, neither the preacher. My word is certainly not 
gospel.

Keep Calm and Avoid Rehashed Motivational Posters

I stand on the precipice. I don't feel any different but I know I'm there. It's just one reformed thought, a recycled dream, a distorted, Munch flashback. What am I talking about? Stress, man: doing too much; pushing through a continuum and breaking out the other side like a new born foal, weak and reliant. With a few exceptions, stress fucks up progress, be it weight loss, muscle gain, pseudo corporate aspirations or other-worldly enlightenment, stress will bring it all down with a crude, corrosive grace and before you know it, you'll be lying face down in a pool of your own vomit, a halo of Glen's vodka bottles around your head and diazepam packets strewn laissez-faire across the sodden,Travel Inn carpet you now call home. 

Things that happen when one is stressed:

• Chemicals get released (Cortisol)
• Heart rate goes up
• Blood vessels dilate
• Breathing increases
• Sweat production increases
• Metabolism slows down
• Muscles become tense
• Pupils enlarge
• Sex hormone production goes down
• You end up looking like the love child of Margret Thatcher and a bit of bark

This is bad because:

No one wants to come across as a sweaty, sexless, hyperventilating, skinny mess, with eyes like a 90s raver and look that says, "I'm being haunted by roads not taken and/or there is a purple dragon chasing me." But also, it makes it VERY DIFFICULT TO LOSE BODY FAT IF YOU ARE STRESSED. Why? 

CORTISOL

Cortisol is released in the adrenal glands and controls glucose metabolism, inflammatory response, immune function, blood pressure, to name just a few. Cortisol levels are highest in the mornings (hence why 16 hour fasting/skipping breakfast can work for weightloss, as you're not consuming calories when your cortisol levels are highest and, therefore, are most likely to store it as fat).

What positives are there, if any?

Cortisol can give you a quick burst of energy - good when being chased by an actual dragon, blue or otherwise.

Heightened memory functions - good for boardroom presentations or meeting deadlines or...*he pauses, acutely aware that this is as far as his office based empathy travels*

Lower sensitivity to pain - good for sport, and S&M.

What negatives are there? (NB. Some of the following are only brought about after prolonged cortisol release)

Muscle breakdown and fat storing (for the fight or flight burst of energy)

Suppressed thyroid function

Increased abdominal fat 

Lowered immunity

Impaired cognitive function

Decreased bone density

Now, all this sounds rather apocalyptic. It is. Stop stressing so much. 

How?

Insulin spike - take on some fruit and your insulin levels will spike. Insulin negates cortisol. 

Walk - clean up that lymphatic system, get the blood moving and release some endorphins.

Meditation - don some hemp, get the Jo Malone candles out (incense is for the working class), put on the kind of music you'd imagine giving birth to, cross your legs and envelope your senses with existentialism. Or buy a guided meditation from iTunes.

Nihilism - come to the obvious realisation that everything is nothing; that there is a calming absence of truth and reason. But, as Iggy Pop once said, "Nihilsm is best done by professionals". So, make of it what you will...hopefully not that much.

Wake Up and Smell the Butter. Part I

I can smell it, the ambivalence creeping over you, throwing an indifferent haze over what you see and what you can hear. I can see that meth is bad but butter, oh well, butter is the work of the devil; the reserve of the protagonists of Channel 4 programmes. "Saturated fat clogs your arteries and will concrete your soul faster than the expectation of divine reward...brother." 

However, we've been led astray by the people we were told to trust, by a misinformed idea of the big picture, by the corporate beast and all those who have sucked so hard...like a good piggy should. Half-fat this, low-calorie that, it was all one big lie - gold leafed wool that we had pulled over our eyes.  "I see", said the blind man, but fuck does it hurt, as through a sea of corrosive dogmatism, you realise that it wasn't light you were being led to, certainly not a land of milk and honey, no, it was a room full of men telling another room full of men how to make the other room richer...at your expense. Monkeys, jacking off other monkeys.

So, what the fuck am I talking about (if you haven't clocked on yet)???

The fact that we have been led to believe that low-fat was better, that margarine should be poured onto toast in the mornings, that eggs were bad (thanks Kellogs for that, you twats), that we should move away from what we were Paleolithically designed to consume, and head towards what some lab rat with a Lamborgini created. 

That's it. I just wanted to sow that seed. More will follow, but I suggest you start reading around. No, it's not cheating. I'll get over it, in spite of my wonderfully deluded idea of self-importance.

Anyway, I leave you with this from J.F.K:

"Too often we hold fast to the clichés of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

The Beach

Some of you have already floated away from our sunny shores, filled your bags with half-price flip flops, disposable cameras and feigned at faux culture-vultering, trying to understand the exotic from a 'pre-drink' filled apartment block. The rest, well, you might still be gearing up for the August get away. Those destined to traipse around plaza del who-gives-a-fuck-anymore, can walk away unscathed and oblivious, but the rest, you lucky few, who will be running the sandy gauntlet should pay attention, because you can walk down a beach, seemingly constipated by self-doubt and crushed by the crowd or you can trot over the sand like a show-pony with a mane of gold, hooves of steel, feeling like Ryan Gosling in a nunnery and with a look in your eye that say, "Prince George is in fact my child".

"But it's too late, man, it's all too god damn late - I've missed the show, the bus left dude, I'm off tomorrow!!!" Relax, Frankie, this is about last minute touch-ups; it's about the tricks, the illusions. It's all one forgazi, 'one big dream that you had inside a locked room'. A dream of being anybody, an accretion of sense and emotional experience designed to assure us that we are each SOMEBODY. So stop worrying so much. Anyway...

How?

Option #1. Become a show-pony with the aforementioned attributes.

Option #2. Do the below:

1. Don't eat salt: too much salt + liquid = water retention = not a good look. "Put the nuts down darling."

2. Don't eat foods that make you bloat: processed foods, cruciferous vegetables (look it up), sugar substitutes, too many carbs, legumes and carbonated drinks, to name a few.

Foods that relieve bloating: cooked vegetables, melon, citrus fruits, pineapple, low sodium foods water, yoghurt and tea.

3. Stomach vacuums: inhale deeply then exhale and pull your belly button as close to your spine as possible, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. Keep breathing.

4. Stand in front of a mirror, naked: know you good parts and the bad - show off the former and hide the latter - get used to what you see. I hold the Daily Mail solely responsible for infecting the minds of the fairer sex with poisonous aesthetic expectations and deluded ideas of perfecting the subjective. "You're a strong, confident women, in charge of your destiny. You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul". 

5. Eat bananas - filled with potassium, they'll prevent cramps (due to the decreased sodium levels) and bloating. Happy days.

6. Pump it Up: Do a light 5 minute circuit prior to hitting the beige blanket, to increase, temporarily, muscle toning. I suggest 3 sets, no rest, of as many reps as possible of: press ups, reverse crunches, plyometric jumps and bicep curls (I know, I know...I hate myself as well) with a suitcase or exercise band. Also, listen to this song whilst you do it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c_v_AfMWhJU

7. Red, Red wine: I don't want to endorse this too much, so you'll have to do your own research on this fruity number. But it does work. Oh no, I've said too much. Must..stop...typing..sjchdjsjd#*€|.$

8. Stand up straight: posture is everything. It doesn't matter if you're a size six with a six-pack, if you posture is bad, you will lose MAJOR points. Confidence is contagious.

C'est fini. Now go and reenact THAT Top Gun beach scene. You know which one. Yes you do. Exactly. No, you stop it. Fine, I'll hang up.

Besos.

Marriage

Placing delicately to one side the idea that marriage is the religious confirmation of love between two spouses, you can see that actually the socially or ritually recognised union between to entities is ever present. Marriage is literally....everywhere. How magically yummy. Below are a few of the unions I've plucked from life's rich tapestry of symbiosis. 

1. Apple & Dark Chocolate - antioxidant+ anti-inflammatory = a cardio defending, fitness boosting extravaganza. Some say it's as, if not more effective than drinking Gwyneth Paltrow's blood. Buy good dark chocolate, the kind that makes a statement in Waitrose: "Oh, this? What do you mean? 'How do I eat 85% dark chocolate'?...Because you're Palaeolithic and I'm basically one step away from harnessing solar energy and flying to Mars on a spaceship made of cashmere - I'm literally THAT much more advanced than you."

2. Kettlebell swings and Kettlebell goblet squats - posterior chain and anterior chain, done in the most complete of movements. Heart rate rockets, core is taken care of and you're left with the posture and sporting prowess of a unicorn. Fact.

3. Banana & Peanut Butter - I've been having this before every race I've ever done. It tastes like God's vagina and gives you the kind of energy that you can only recall having as a kid, after eating a pack of Haribo whilst watching Power Rangers and smoking crack. Simple carbs + potassium + niacin + good fats + protein = energy stabilising super snack. All the cool kids are doing it.

4. Spinach & Lemon Juice - 2 billion people are deficient in iron. Decrease your risk of a stroke, reduce fatigue and increase recovery time and eat some bloody spinach. Citrus on spinach aids with the absorption of iron so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The End.

Dealing with Dionysus

There's a misconception, a distortion. I don't live off dust and other people's aesthetical despair; I don't sleep with a kettlebell under my pillow, on a bed of old Pilates mats and dream of a distorted world, based on the utopian vision of a Davidoff advert. I also hate Topman, it makes you look like you've sauntered out of a student union, having eaten a turgid microwave meal made of fustian Indy music - also, who has a size 26 waist, asides Jagger and Leto? I do, however, like the edge - where one can best dangle tired legs and ponder abstruse oceans.

Last weekend saw an ascendency into a Bacchian familiarity and all it's seraphic trappings. As the most brilliant, Hunter S. Thompson said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

So, what do you do when you fall out of bed, into a pool of someone else's dignity, your head now hosting a tiny squirrel inside it, hammering away at your cerebellum with a small but very real hammer, playing scrabble with your synapses and God with your thoughts? You stop crying; try this instead...

Step 1.

Drink a large glass of water with a Dioralyte sachet in it - rehydrate and replenish.

Step 2.

Take an over-the-counter painkiller without acetaminophen - alcohol meddles with how the liver processes acetaminophen - taking it could lead to liver damage.

Step 3. 

Eat Burnt Toast - Carbon helps filter impurities, which is why people hospitalised for alcohol poisoning are forced to take a carbon - often it's pumped into their stomachs - lovely - remember kids, alcohol is bad! NB. You can buy charcoal pills from Holland & Barrett.

Step 4. 

After four hours or so, drink some coffee. "But coffee will dehydrate me even more," He whined deplorably. Wrong, you have to consume, at the very least, around 300mg of caffeine for it to act as a diuretic. So unless you're drinking three cups in a row, relax Frankie.

Step 5. 

With the caffeine now pulsating through your jaded body, go exercise. This is what I would do:

a.) Jog/walk/cycle for 15 mins.

b.) Carry out dynamic stretches but leave out core activation as I'd feel dizzy.

c.) Do 3 sets of 10 half press ups, frog crunches and reverse crunches.

d.) Jog/walk/cycle for 15 mins.

e.) Do 3 sets, with an exercise band, of single arm rows and standing Russian Twists - 15 reps per arm/side.

f.) Walk for 5 mins and stretch.

g.) Look as smug as Sean Penn winning an Oscar.

Summer's Coming...

I like long walks in the park, the colour blue, knitting baby clothes for abstract children, reading books with more pictures than words, swimming using breast-stroke legs and front-crawl arms. Wait. Stop. This is all transitory, man. Why? Because...you can just smell it - not the freshly cut grass that's been churned up with dog faeces, forming a finite supply of grass-poo humous for the children to run around on - no, not that, but the fear. Alarm bells are going off. People are running around, a combination of endorphins and anxiety congealing into one unique expression that's etched temporarily across their faces. SUMMER IS COMING. It promises tank tops and bikinis, short-shorts and string vests (maybe not for everyone), even floaty summer dresses. Do you know what a floaty summer dress looks like when it just doesn't float? A dress, a normal dress. Exactly, a fucking disaster, darling. 

There are options. You can blossom with a refreshing indifference to the suffocating, venomous, totalitarian demands of the vogue infused media, one glorious 'fuck you' to society. OR...you can wake up and get to grips with reality. Reality and it's understanding will slide you into that Mikoh bikini like a Kardashian on ephedrine.

What reality holds for the next two months:

1. Move - make sure that each day you are moving for at least 2 hours. Walk to station and back (30mins), gym/running/spinning/swimming/power-walking/badger baiting (1hour) and an additional meander (30mins) - done. If David Cameron can see a personal trainer, or run, you can too. That is a fact.

2. AA Meetings - are not something you need worry about, just try and skip the booze for at least 5 days a week. I know, I'm really, really sorry. Fine, if you must: vodka, lots of fresh lime, soda water and a cocktail umbrella.

3. Gluten - I'm not even going to entertain this with an explanation, just don't eat it. "But what about cakes? I really love cakes." Brilliant, I really love opium and colonialism but the times have changed and now I too with it. Or...Brilliant, I really love whipped cream and silk scarves but if you're trying to get a PGC in teaching, you can't blog about it anymore. Or...Brilliant, I really love drawing unicorns and mermaids in compromising positions, but if you want to be a CEO of a major insurance company, you've got to stop sketching them in board meetings. There. I hope you get it now.

4. Plank - each morning, wake up, roll effortlessly out of bed and hold the plank for as long as you can. Once you can reach 60 seconds, start showing off - lifting a leg or arm or both. Do 2 sets of this per day.

5. Vacuum Packed - start optimising that internal abdominal pressure that I so love to wang on about and do at least 3 stomach vacuums in a day: breathe in, exhale, as you exhale pull your belly button as far into your stomach as possible (imagine trying to touch your vertebrae), keep breathing whilst holding your stomach in, now squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. Hold for at least 20 seconds. If in doubt, look this exercise up.

6. The Gospel - If it doesn't fuck or grow from the ground, please don't eat it. Does bread grow from the ground? No. Does, sliced ham fuck? No. Etcetera etcetera.

More rules to come.

Beauty: The Lesser-Known Components

      It is amazing how complete the delusion is that beauty is goodness. Let's take, for a minute, 'goodness' and rawly translate it not as morally or ethically good - "yuk!" - but physiologically good. Beauty is thin hips, wide shoulders or even a slim waist, killer legs and a smile that could make Christopher Hitchens believe in creationism, it's Mr. Olympia but also Miss World.

 

    Don't get frilly lipped about this; I'm being skin deep and I'm just a voice, nestled in the bosom of the masses - this is what the people think, man. I know, we should really knit some hemp garments, whip out our...ucalales, discuss book read philosophies and reduce everything to rubble, but that sounds shit, so in the meantime let's dive deeper into the rabbit hole of physical perfection, with all it's tasty trappings...

     There are a great number of aesthetically perfect combinations that appeal to different demographics: Jessica Ennis has got that Athenian thing going, which says, 'if we go to the theatre, get attacked by youths, don't fret, babe, I've always seen umbrellas as wet-weather javelins' (phew, what a relief); Tom Selleck has a rugged manliness, that's been forged in North American forests, probably nurtured by bears that implies: 'Come too close, son, and I'll grizzle you to death with my moustache'. I know, fuck, that's brutal Tom, and to think we were happy for you to marry Monica; on the other end of the aesthetical spectrum, however, there's Brad Pitt from 'Fight Club'___[silence]____ - there are no words, none at all - thanks Brad, sentence killer.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is that even perfection comes in different shapes and sizes (except Crossfit). Now, everyone one of these looks can NOT work without a few vital components. We know the main ones; the lesser known parts are just as important. I'm going to go through just TWO and bring them kicking and screaming into the limelight.

1. Your Knees
I know. WTF?!!! Exactly, 'knees'. "Oh..'KNEES!'" "No, you've lost me. What are we talking about?" Just think carefully about the leg - when the knees buckle, so do the hopes and dreams of that person's legs ever looking beautiful. Jessica, Tom and Brad (obvs.), all have legs with knees that haven't buckled. Their legs are straight. When they walk their knees don't move around erratically, threatening to bring the whole god-damn show to an unshapely end - they stay put, like a good knee should. We take our knees for granted. Another Hallmark holiday maybe Mr. President?

Anyway, your Gluteus Medius is one of the main pieces in this knee jigsaw - and the only one we'll discuss today - as they play a huge role in stabilising the hips and stopping your knees moving around like a couple squatters (see what I did there?). Weak GM = weak knees = BINTM 2014 hopes out the window - bye, bye Elle, bye, bye Tyson and bye, bye...Danni?

Keeping Your Knees Under Control Without Using Bribery:

One Legged Squats -

 

 

 

- Don't let the knee move inside or beyond your toes.

- Keep your chest up.

- You can do this sitting back down onto a chair - with one leg - and standing back up - with two - therefore working on the eccentric phase = more muscle stimulation.

Side Lying Hip Abduction -

 

 

 

- Flex the foot at the ankle and bring leg up and slightly back.

- Focus energies on hitting your glute not your hip flexors.

2. Your Rhomboids.

Weak rhomboids lead to a rounded back and 'sticky out-y' neck. You can be a size 6 with a six-pack, but if your shoulders are slumped forward you look shit. That is a fact. Drink it in.

Sort it out:

I lifted this from a great physio and rehab site...

 

• Shalabhasana Variation- Fingers Behind The Head

 

 

 

• Lie on your stomach. Interlace your fingers behind your head and lengthen the back of your neck pressing up into your fingers.

• Slowly draw the belly in and lift your trunk up off the floor a few inches, keeping your throat soft. The head, neck and chest want to elevate in one piece.

• It doesn’t matter how high the trunk lifts off of the floor but it is essential that the back muscles lengthen instead of shorten.

• Lift the elbows up and out as you lift up. Try to keep the elbows at the high of the head of higher.

• If the shoulders are tight you can separate the hands allowing the fingertips to touch.

• Try drawing the bottoms tips of the shoulder blades towards each other and hold for 5-10 breaths.

There we go. There's more to come, but the government board for education always promotes some drivel about only being able to concenrate for a limited amount of sdjofpjdfspjdsmk;sd;k


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The Ballet Years: Learning to Dance

Ballet is said to refine, making use of normally unused parts of the body. The New York City Ballet say that just as we statistically are said to use only a small percentage of our brains, the same can be said of the body; dancers have a heightened awareness and knowledge of themselves and their instrument. I too want to better understand my instrument (giggle, giggle). So...

...it's finally happened, I've delicately slipped into a tutu - ok, fine, my tutu - draped my shoes around my neck and hit the barre. The bright lights, the adrenaline rush as you float ethereally across the stage and the indulgent escapism one feels when in the melodic throws of Romeo & Juliet...are all things I haven't felt just quite yet. Pain? Oui, beacoup du pain. Feeling like your body might crumble like garden Jenga that's been left in the rain all winter? Yes, I'm familiar with that simile. I'm clumsily trying to unlock the gates to all balletic secrets with a key made of marshmallow, but I love it.

Anyway, rather than flit from 'self-cunilingistical' statement to the next, I'm just going to show a few moves that you might find creep into your workouts.

 


Hip Rotations - great for lower abdominals, and policemen.



What to do:

 

- Basically, lie on your back with both feet in the air and lower abs pulled in to stabilise the pelvis.
- squeeze your thighs and calves together and keep your heels together at ALL times.
- flex your feet and, squeezing your bum, rotate your legs,within the hips, outwards, using your inner thigh and deep rotator muscles under the glutes. Push as far as you can into first position as possible.
- return to the start.

- repeat 16 times.



Grand Battements - amazing for quads, glutes and inner thighs...in fact, everything.

- rather than try to explain this one, here's a picture and a video. I would say, however, that you should try doing 3 to the front, side and then back. Starting with only lifting the leg half way to what you're capable of.
- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CgKXn1Evj-o


 

 

 

Plié Relevé - good if you want the kind of legs that the child of Darcey Bussell and Usain Bolt might have/have had...you heard it here first.

 

- begin in 1st position (look it up)

- bend knees as you rotate legs outward, knees over toes (demi-plié)

- return to starting position

- squeezing glutes, press inner thighs together, lift heels up, place weight on balls of feet.

- return to starting position, pressing inner thighs together as you lower heels.

- aim for 3 sets of 16 reps.

 

 

It's dawned on me that explaining these seemingly straightforward movements is in fact difficult and, I expect, even harder to follow. So, we'll stick to just these three, for the time being.

Time for me to hit the bar now....I know, I know, I'm better than that - I'm not, I'm really not.

F.

3 Foods That May Change Your Life, But Probably Won't

More time has slipped through my literary clutches and I now write from a new and fresh beginning; the self imposed shackles of establishment have been cast away. So, what to write about. Well, in lieu of launching a food range (we now do lunch boxes for the nutritionally needy), I thought I'd list the top three ingredients from this opening week and why they're just, like, oh my god, so über important for looking, like, reallyreallyreally good.

1. 'We need to talk about Quinoa' - Seriously, if you're interested in nutrition and this isn't a part of your life by now, you've failed as a human being. Congratulations, you are the equivalent of bed cushions, wind chimes, Scientology, ITV3, dream catchers and vegetarian bacon - utterly pointless. Anyway, quinoa contains all 9 amino acids (building blocks for muscle tissue), has a low GI (energy is released slowly), is alkaline forming in the stomach and low in calories. Exactly.

2. 'Spelt, as in how is it' - this super grain was wildly popular during medieval times but got edged out of general contention by bread wheat, along with public flogging, dysentery and throwing your shit in the street. It tastes amazing, goes well with a LOT of things (feta cheese, spring onions and rocket, to name a few), is high in protein, fibre, B- Vitamins and low in calories. I know, stop it....no, you stop it.

3. Chilli - wow, where on earth do I begin. Here are just a few to tickle your intrigue:

a. Capsicum (the substance I'm chillies that gives the heat) lifts your metabolism by activating your sympathetic nervous system - which leads to fat oxidation - by up to 42%! 

b. Aids blood circulation.

c. Prevents and relieves arthritis - it's an anti-inflammatory.

d. It triggers the release of endorphins making you happier than Pharrell on Xanax.

e. It's a natural remedy for herpes...apparently...well, according to a friend of mine.

Right, that's it. Short and sweet. Brevity in blog form. We might talk about eggs next time...it was that or Jesus.

How to do a Press Up

I don't wish to linger, lecture or rant, just ever-so-quickly say a few words on the press up. Some people call it a push up, in fact, sometimes, so do I - I don't really care, to be honest. The press up is timeless, never looses value or significance - the tailormade suit of the fitness world - we've been using it to win drink, dates and debates for centuries. I bring it up, why? Because people invariably do it badly - "Bad form!" (Hook, 1991).

Signs you too fall, unceremoniously into the pile of people flapping around helplessly on a gym floor, feigning emulation of this most celestial of movements:


1. The Exhibitionist - your bum is in the air, willing those around you to take a 'cheeky' glance. "Seriously, just one look. Please, please look at me." The reason you do this is, in addition to a desire to be recognised/loved that is deeply rooted in the lack of attention you experienced during your adolescence, is because your core is either weak or you are unwilling to give it the chance to show otherwise - as my headmaster said, after walking in on our dazzling dormitory performance of 'Cats', "straighten up!" Fuck you. I want to sing...I want  (*he pirouettes*) to dance! Also, why are you in our dormitory, sir? Oh.

2. Groin Grazing - quite in contrast to the exhibitionist, you prefer to swing low; the 'housewife breast stroke' technique of the press up world. Men be warned: exhibiting the groin grazer in a bar-based bet, is NOT a good image. You quite literally look like you are trying to stimulate yourself, using the floor; you come across (*giggle giggle*) not only as man incapable of performing a press up, but also as a young dog that hasn't been neutered, which has recently discovered a rug, in a bar, "God, what a great rug. There must be a vagina located in this rug! Somewhere! Where are you strange rug vagina?!"

 

3. Loose - your neck and upper back is loose and slack, lacking scapular control - try to focus on squeezing your shoulder blades together (holding a pencil between them) - don't free-fall - control the movement - think about pulling yourself to the ground. You are a strong, confident woman/man and very much the captain of your destiny! Or something like that.

4. Saggy Back - your lower back sags. Pull your belly button in and contract your glutes - you should see your body instantly straighten up. The strain is now on your core, not your lumbar spine...phew.

So, we see what appears to be very similar problems - they will look different but are, nonetheless, equally detrimental. Now, there are many variations but with all of them, these rules apply:

1. Pull your stomach in.

2. Squeeze your glutes.

3. Straighten your tailbone - imagine it being pulled towards your feet - this help with excessive curvature at the lumbar spine.

4. Keep your legs straight - your body should resemble a plank. 

The following is how I do them:

1. Hands are positioned in line with my sternum - tucked in not flared out dramatically.

2. Scapula is squeezed together.

3. At the bottom of the movement my lower and upper arms FORM A 90 DEGREES ANGLE - THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! 

Below is almost perfect, save that she's put her spine out of neutral by staring intently at an approaching squirrel.

 

This one is very close but she ought to pull her tailbone towards her feet and pull her stomach in more to stop that slight dip at her lumbar spine.

Right, go forth and get practising.

Gym Tips, Nothing Else

Gosh; a hiatus 'n' a half it has been. A lot has happened. I won the race; I lost a stone; I've an addiction to mixed nuts after discovering 'One-stop' sell them brazilliantly low; I now make nut jokes; I manage a health club; I have decided to continue my extended morning fasting phase.

"Sorry, you MANAGE A HEALTH CLUB???"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

So, rather than bathe further in the L.E.D lighting of self-glorification, it'd be in everyone's interest to bring up my initial thoughts on running a gym. Let's, for the moment, look at the top five GLARING mistakes people make in the gym:

1. Nobody warms up - bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I will reiterate that point for the champagne gym goers out there: bicep curling for ten minutes is not warming up. I know. I know. Let it sink in. Give it a while.

2. Le Crunch - it's not the 80s anymore, crunches are a waste of time. Why? Because you work half of one of your 29 core muscles, you compress you hip flexors, which effects your posture and gait, your stomach will go out not in as a result and you'll burn almost no calories in the act of doing so. So, stick to compound and rotational exercises: the Russian twist or the Dead Bug is a good place to start. "But, I don't know what the Dead Bug.....

"Look it up, you prick."

3. Time is of the Essence -

Me: "Good workout?"

Layman: "Yea mate, was solid. Smashed out a good two hour blast, like a bad babysitter with my boyfriend in the shower making two bucks an hour. And what?!"

By working out for longer than 60 mins, you've successfully triggered the production of cortisol (a stress hormone that breaks down muscle and makes your body store energy as fat), essentially doing the equivalent of writing in invisible ink, driving on ice, swimming in a current or building a bungalow in Somerset. Keep it under an hour, including warm up and warm down, to avoid over-doing it.

3. Ministry of Sound - their radio station (Ministry of Sound Radio, incidentally) is really, probably, more than likely to be the best choice of gym music. Start creating playlists and shit gets subjective - 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling' is a great song, I mean a GREAT song, but gets mixed result at 7pm on a Friday evening (mainly stragglers wringing out t-shirts soaked in tears and self pity).

4. Put it Away - if you can't successfully complete 30 pushups, executed with perfect form, then please stay away from the weights. Look at gymnasts and dancers. Do you look like that? Exactly. Start using your bodyweight more.

5. Male Attire - below are the only acceptable times when men may wear Lycra:

In the Winter Olympics
At a festival
In the Tour de France
If you're in the music industry
On ice
In a velodrome
If you name is Cathy Freeman
In the actual Olympics
In a club, between the hours 2-9am
In a circus